Magnetic Letters Have Magical Powers To Distract Toddlers

A friend recently bought my daughter some of those magnetic alphabet letters and now she can’t stop playing with them (or throwing, eating, using them as weapons, etc.) She just started figuring out which side sticks to the fridge, and she’s also testing every surface in the house to see where else it might stick also. Even to the point of getting angry when they don’t stick and then she starts scratching the wall (definitely not a good thing) with them screaming and yelling in her Ewok babble language. The language that only a parent oddly understands.

We found a great distraction the other day for those times we’re cooking, breathing, going to the bathroom, playing a video game (that’s just me) or just taking a break for a few minutes. We stick her in the high chair and move it right up to the refrigerator. And it works! So far…

If this keeps working, I may patent the idea. And then I can buy one of those fancy sub-zeros’s that has lots of surface space and holds lots of beer. And then I’ll start drinking beer, since I'm not really a beer drinker now. And then she can spell out "Daddy Drinks B.U.D."

“No Please, Tell Me About Your Operation and Family Medical History”

I’m not sure if this only happens to me or other people. Or maybe I project some aura unknown to me that tells people that I really want to hear about their medical problems. This has happened on more than a few occasions and it’s starting to bother me because I’m the last person in this world who needs to hear these stories. Have you read my posts about my extreme fear of needles or passing out getting a flu shot or avoiding the dentist and her “instruments of death”?

Last night in my boxing class, this other fellow “norm” finally showed up to class after a few months on hiatus. I said hello as usual, and small chitchat about the weather, the fireman’s wife and her daughter’s new boobs implants and how they've grown some more (normal gym conversation) and then she goes on to tell me in great detail about her bladder and how the doctors performed surgery and how she can’t eat ice cream after 10pm.

BladderWoman: My bladder is sagging, ya’ know because there’s these two muscles that hold it up….. Imagine two big nasty veins...

Me: Uh….huh? You don’t say…hey, look, that chick that screams when that Brittany Spears bad remix song is playing just walked in….

BladderWoman: …And they had to perform the entire surgery through my vagina, so they didn’t have to cut my side open…

Me: That’s, uhhh….pretty nasty. That musta’ hurt. I hope the doctor bought you a drink first (nervous chuckle)

(nasty descriptions…me channeling out)

BladderWoman:…and then they stuff pig fat up in there and then the tissue grows around it and then the bladder is against…(blah, blah, blah…)

Me: What? Pig fat…like from a pig?

BladderWoman: Yes.

Me: So when you eat bacon, does that make you a cannibal?

(she slowly walked away)

My Father-In-Law Might Be Crazy

He sends us the strangest pictures ever since he got a digital camera. He lives out in Georgia (which is reason #1 for crazy) and recently went to a sheep farm with his lady-friend (we don’t call her girlfriend because she’s like 100 and it’s pretty obvious she’s not a “girl” anymore). You would think “Hey, Sheep farm. I’ll take pictures of Sheep doing…uh, Sheep things - Like riding tractors and racing the Chickens!”. But Nooooo! We get pictures of close-ups of grass, blurry pictures of the wood banisters, a fly on the windscreen, fur? It’s like handing a camera to a 4-year-old high on sugar and letting them loose.

I can see if these were “the test pictures” you know, the ones that don’t come out quite right and then you delete them. No, he uploads these to Snapfish and sends the family links to check out his great pictures, and then we all email each other saying stuff like “Huh?”.

I keep telling my wife we should be calling the police or Mr. T for intervention. I hear he has some new TV show where he tells you “You some kinda of Fool, Fool!”. Mr. T will make it right. And then children all over the world will be able to sleep at night once again.