Weird questions? I’ve Got Answers

Some of the searches that end up here are getting stranger by the day.
Most of them are in the form of questions looking for help or expert advice. I find it odd that they end up here since the closest thing I have to a Ph.D is a DVD or BVD’s.

However, these people are looking for answers so I’m going to respond to them. Why? Because that’s just how I roll.

The Questions:
what is lionel richie doing this year for thanksgiving? – Let me ask. Spending it at Dollywood.
ideas for writing birthday invitations for a party at chuck e cheese – Start with “I’m so sorry but, this wasn’t my idea…”
why does my dad stay up late – To play Words with Friends on the iPhone. But not with Sci Fi Dad (because he cheats....!!)
why do we have butt cracks – Because they’re funny
do midgets have small poop – Let me check. Yes.
where can i get a monkey to perform at my daughters birthday party? -- In Thailand or Lancaster.
i drank my wife's breast milk yesterday – Hopefully because you ran out of regular milk and not because you like it and are just really weird.
my son doesn't have a date for prom? Put an ad on Craigslist
creative way to tell husband that you are expecting -- Don’t start it by saying “remember that business trip …”
when does a baby mullet grow? – At 5 months, start playing Michael Bolton songs. At 6 months start showing Macgyver reruns or visit Georgia.
wierdest thing about lionel ritchie -- If his mustache is ever removed, he loses all magical powers.
what is it called if you have an obsession with poop – Poopalicious.
my five year old who refuses to go to the potty! -- Take him/her back to the store for a refund.
i called poison control 4 times in one week what's going to happen to me – Protective services should be arriving at your door any minute.
why do little kids pick their noses – The same reason why old people do, because they're bored and have nothing to play with.

Questions? I’ve Got Answers

I get lots of searches in the form of questions primarily by parents looking for expert answers. Which is odd since the only thing I’m really an expert on is fried chicken.
Nonetheless these people are looking for answers, so like the model citizen that I am, I’m going to answer them.

All while eating fried chicken.

The Questions:

How to get toddler to sit and eat at the table? Duct tape usually does the trick. But if Child Protective Services is reading this, use constructive discipline methods such as hugs and candy.

How can i make my chicken taste like kentucky fried chicken? Wear a white suit, put the chicken in a bucket, and yell in a southern accent "this here chick'n is finger lick'n good!"

What can i teach to my 1year old baby? Not to eat things off the floor and give them crayons to scribble with. I did that with my daughter, she now scribbles on the floor and thankfully doesn’t eat anything off of it.

What do you when your 4yr old swears? Duct tape usually does the trick. But if Child Protective Services is reading this, use constructive discipline methods such as hugs and candy.

How to make santa claus fart? Buy him a gift card to Popeyes chicken.

What are mullet hair styles for boys? "The Richard Marx", "The McGyver", "The Billy Ray", "The Don Johnson."

How to remove booger on the wall? Use a water hose, lemon slices, or battery acid.

Does picking your nose cause more boogers to grow? Yes.

Can you get into chuck e cheese without a kid? Yes. Unless you have a mustache and/or chest hair.

What can an 18 month old draw? Scribbles and lines. But if you pass it off as your own and get a good agent, you could make millions in the lowbrow art movement.

My child picked his butt and has the poop on his finger now? Wrap yourself in a plastic tarp, wrestle the child onto the floor, but be careful of the offending finger. Tie him up and drop him off in Nebraska. But if Child Protective Services is reading this, use constructive discipline methods such as hugs and candy.

Is The Cure concert appropriate for kids? Only if they’re wearing makeup.

Is wicked the musical ok for children? If I had to guess an age, I would say around 9. Or maybe a mature 7 year old (or adult) that can sit still for a few hours and resist laughing at the ridiculous ending.

What type of animals can be trained? Dogs and Unicorns.

My 5 year old has an interview in private school what should i do? Rob a bank just in case he/she gets in.

Is it ok to spank your maid? In California, yes. Children, no.

Teenager's in the 1980's what did they do for fun? “We” woke up at the crack of dawn, milked the cows, and tilled the fields. Then played gin rummy after supper by candlelight while drinking Sarsaparilla and listening to Depeche Mode.

Why is it so loud at chuckie e cheeses? Because Satan himself created that horrible place to torture good people.

We had a bat in our house and now my child has a fever! He's going to turn into a vampire -- so do this quickly: Run into the garage and get a piece of sharp wood, chant in latin over tap water, and run into a nearby dark Forrest.
But if Child Protective Services is reading this, use positive healing methods such as hugs and candy.

Total Weekend Randomness: Because There Are Way Too Many Things Going On

O.J. Arrested Again!?
You know if I were O.J. and I killed my ex-wife and her boyfriend and then got away with it – I would be keeping a really low profile and I sure wouldn’t be doing anything fishy, you know like armed robbery.
I just find it odd that he could end up spending 30 years in jail for this and spent virtually nothing for manslaughter. Gotta' love the court system! By the way, I just got Jury Duty --again. That's always an interesting adventure.

Random Searches To Creative Type Dad
I get the weirdest searches here are a few recent ones (with commentary of course):

when do gummy bears come out and eat people – The day after Halloween, when they avenge the death of their fallen brothers
live monkeys for birthday parties – Monkeys really love to whack a banana-filled piñata.
mayim bialik's bosom – WHOA! Why would anybody want to see Blossom’s boobs?
i love to pee in my overalls! – Me too!
how to get alcohol smell out of mouth – I find KFC popcorn chicken usually does the trick
how to do facials for men – Rub motor oil on his face. But be sure to put pork grinds over his eyes first because motor oil stings like a mo-fo
midgets with mustaches - Can they be outlaws on horses? Or maybe playing poker?
how do five year olds act at chuck e. cheese? – like drunk frat guys

Sexual Harassment Training
I had to do 2-hours of mandatory training last week for work. Has anybody seen these training videos? They were actually very entertaining – almost like watching “The Office."

Conference room – Kayla stumbles in late and spills hot coffee on her white blouse
Bob: Whoa-oh - Wet t-shirt contest!!
(Bob, Steve, Larry all hoot like Arsenio Hall and high-5 each other)
Kayla: Bob, that was very unprofessional. I am a working member of this organization…
Bob: Hey-oh! From the looks of it, it just got cold in here too!!
(Bob, Steve, Larry all chest bump each other...)

(Scene freezes, gets partially dark and then a super-imposed gavel appears with text)
“Law and Order” Breathy Deep-Voice Guy: A real scenario - in 1998 Kayla took her case to a Federal Court, and her lawyer convinced a jury to award her $146 million in putative damages. Bob is now living in a cave in France and Steve and Larry are now prostitutes in Thailand.

Seriously, the videos were pretty ridiculous. I’ve known two cases of harassment at work at they didn’t sure happen like that.

My Daughter Was Either Very Angry With Mickey Or Was Afraid Because He Was 6 Feet Tall In Person
We went with some friends to Disneyland over the weekend, which was fun. Their daughter is a year older than mine and they play really well together. The park wasn’t too crowded, usually after Labor Day the crowds thin down significantly – the longest wait for a ride was about 15 minutes (kids rides of course.) But the line to see Mickey Mouse was crazy! It took us about 45 minutes to see him and when we did, my daughter unexpectedly yelled at him like he owed her money.

Daughter: NO MICKEY! BACK!
(she gave him dirty looks like he ate her puppy – maybe still chewing on it – Mickey looks sad, blows kisses, waves, dances..)
Me: What’s wrong? You wanted to see Mickey; there he is and now he’s sad because you’re not being nice. Don't you want him to make cartoons?
(Mickey Mouse clubhouse is her favorite show)
Daughter: (a little worried) Hi Mickey (blows him a kiss) Daddy - Let's go!

She ran out like she saw a Doodlebop with a chainsaw...

Crazy People Searches, My Favorite L.A. Restaurants, Daddy And Daughter Days Part IV, And Slay-A-Thon

Crazy People Searches
I haven’t done this in awhile. This is what some people come here looking for:

pictures of midgets in overalls (I haven’t see any, but maybe I want too)
a bee peeing (now I’m curious, do they pee?)
18 month old doesn't like dad (Two words buddy: “Ice Cream”)
how long would it take to drive to uranus at 65mph (insert my jr. high laugh)
how to influence a dad to get a dog (when you promise to pick up its poop)
spanking in romance novels (don’t they all have spanking by "the governor" or somebody like that?)
kfc sleepwear (I want some that say, "I like my chicken... spicy")
i am looking for a midget woman (in overalls?)
dentist and alcohol jokes (What kind of awards to dentists get? A little plaque. If your dentist tells you that one, run.)

My Favorite L.A. Restaurants
Pixie tagged me for this meme - In case anybody wanted to know my favorite places to eat around these parts (excluding “the colonels” - because that's a no-brainer)

Tokyo Delves Sushi Bar (North Hollywood) - Also known as "Disco Sushi" by the natives. Really, really fun place where everybody gets to dance on the chairs while listening to disco and 80’s. Try making a phone call in the phone booth.

Palms Thai (Hollywood) - You could probably get better Thai food anywhere, like across the parking lot, but why? This place has "Thai Elvis" perform nearly every night. They even have Thai Celine Dion and Andy Gibb.

Magic Castle (Hollywood/Highland) – If Harry Potter were real, he would be performing here on Saturday nights. Really cool (and cheesy) private Magician’s Club. This is about the only place left in Hollywood that requires men to wear suits and ladies to wear cocktail dresses (or suits with a curly mustache.)

Weekday Gymboree Moms Who Give Dads The “Stink” Eye
I took a day off to spend with my daughter after the 4th, I like to do these days off once in awhile since my little girl is growing up like a weed. I thought is would be fun to take her to a Gymboree class - she normally goes on Saturday’s with the weekend crowd – which is MUCH different from the weekday crowd. I was the only Dad there among a crowd of moms who dressed their kids as if they were going to a fashion show. Next time I take her, I’m dressing as Gymbo the clown and putting a monkey costume on my daughter.
I did overhear some moms talking about another mom who had a boob job. That was cool; they looked natural.
The day was fun; we drew, colored, made play-doh pancakes, watched about 20 minutes of Cinderella/Finding Nemo, and chalked the driveway. Then she asked if she could drive the car.
I told her O.K., only if she uses the potty.

What? Some Crazy Man To Watch Buffy The Vampire Slayer For 12 Hours To Raise Money For The Make-A-Wish Foundation
I absolutely love this foundation. The wife and I over the years have worked with the organization and this is something truly original that’s worth mentioning. A friend of a friend, David Roberts, does a marathon to raise money for them. Last year he raised 20k and was able to grant 3 wishes.
If you want to help his cause, you can do so here (be sure to put David Roberts name in there.) If you want to read more about the Make-A-Wish foundation check it out here.
Good luck David! If you ever do a Golden Girls one, I’m totally flying to Chicago.

Lionel Richie and A Midget (Little Person) Walk Into KFC, To Get A Facial And Tattoo - And Other Searches

I get some pretty odd searches to this site. Other parent blogs get real stuff related to kids, I get some of those too but not many for some odd reason. Here are a few, with my commentary attached:

midget massages - I know of a place where you can get one by angry Thai midgets

Stop nose picking toddler - They all do it. Get over it

lionel richie christmas sweater - If it existed, I'm sure the wife would have one

what type of people don't like football - People like me!

colonel sanders impersonator - If he's real, I want him deliver KFC to my job - everyday

mens painted toenails - Only men who wear Crocs do this

man perm - I haven’t seen a man-perm I never liked

manly feeling - Get a man perm, some chest hair, and a gold chain

substitute teacher whipped cream game - I don’t even know how to respond to this...

i have a midget and i am not afraid to use him!! - Me too! Let’s have them battle

tattoos of women saying daddy - Are they eating chicken too?

filipino doodlebop - Milli Vanilli (maybe just Vanilli)

midget women touching another women's boobs - Try Las Vegas. Or Art School.

toddler smears poop on walls - I hope they all don’t do that

Am I the "Expert" At: Tattoo Ideas, Hooters, Monkeys, KFC, Elvis, And Lesbians In Puffy Christmas Sweaters?

It must be true! Why else would Google and other search engines link to me when people search for this stuff.
Once in awhile, I check out the search keywords to this blog out of curiosity. Some I find entertaining and some I scratch my head like the ones for "daddy issues".

Interesting finds:

tattoo ideas for dad and daughter
Some ideas - "I'm a freak and so is my daughter" with a picture of snake drinking beer on a motorcycle

pregnant hooters waitress
She must get some good tips

picture of dads in monkey costumes
If you must. Will the Dads please send me their pictures. I have to dig mine out

drugged elvis performances
The last one happened in July, at my daughter's 1st birthday party

make at home french person
You could. But why?

what type of lesbian am i
Depends on if you wear men's Wranglers and listen to Dixie Chicks or if you think Jessica Alba is hot

i wish i had a midget he would eat kfc
Me too! He would be really fun at parties.

colonel sanders kfc daughter
Her name is Wendy and she has red hair and looks like Pippi Longstocking

midget family getting hurt with their pumpkin patch
I bet they would love my Colonel Sanders pumpkin stencil. Assuming they eat chicken

subliminal messages in dora
If you play her spanish backwards, she tells you to stop buying grapes and to kill "all the whiteys". I can confirm this

puffy paint christmas sweaters
Add little jiggle bells on them for the full-effect. People just loved that

was colonel sanders really a colonel?
Yes. And his lunches were awesome, especially when he added those Chicken Littles (according to reports)

i'd like my wife to blow up balloons
O.k.