Explaining Christmas to One Confused Kid

We’re back from Disney World! Thankfully we left just before the place started getting really crowded.

The trip went great, plenty of sunshine, hardly any rain, and was an overall success. My wife and I were concerned about experiencing some major breakdowns since our daughter went without a nap for well over a week. But thankfully no major incidents except for one very odd thing that happened, which I’ll write about at some other time.

One big thing we do every year there is attend something called the Candlelight Procession at Ecpot. Which is rather nice show of tradition Christmas music with local youth and church choirs from around Florida and some celebrity narrator. Our celebrity was Whoopi Goldberg.
When Whoopi was talking my daughter somehow figured out that the baby everybody was talking about was the same Jesus that's dead and bleeding on the cross. During the performance she yelled at the wife and I, “Oh no! They killed the baby!!”
It seems like since we’ve been back I'll I've been doing is answering questions about why they killed the baby.
In addition to that, thanks to her preschools downplaying of Christmas and up playing of other holidays she’s been asking us where’s our Menorah candles at home and who are we celebrating Kwanza with.
For the record we don’t celebrate Hanukkah but have lots of Jewish friends and co-workers that do, and don’t even know of anybody that celebrates Kwanza.
That didn’t stop her from explaining the seven principles to others and singing to them a few Kwanza songs.

I had no idea they has songs now. Most of them sound remarkably close to Christmas songs.

I’m just waiting until Festivus gets so mainstream that they end up teaching that in preschool as well. I’m sure preschoolers would enjoy the “Airing of Grievances” (“I hate it every time you play with MY toys!”) and the “Feats of Strength” wrestling the head teacher to the classroom floor on the circle time mat.

Anyway, whatever you celebrate: Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Umoja Kwanza, Another Festivus Miracle, or Happy Birthday.

Christmas Is So Much Better With Kids. And Princesses Can Ice Skate?

I do think Christmas is much better when a kid is around; at least it is for me. And even better now that my daughter, now nearing 2 and a half is really beginning to understand the concept of Santa.

She made cookies with the wife - chocolate chip as requested by Santa and colored him a picture. In return I… I mean ‘Santa’ left her a big sketch of Santa eating the cookies and feeding some to the reindeer with a big note that said “Thank you! Make more chocolate chips cookies next year and maybe I’ll leave a bigger gift!”

It also included a small “P.S” on the bottom that said, “Poop on the Potty and you can have Rudolf.”
Gifts! Gifts! What did everybody get from Santa?

The wife got an iPhone from Santa since she’s been envious of his since he got it. My daughter got a “Fisher-Price Kid Tough Digital Camera” primarily because she always wants to use his expensive Canon camera and is always nervous when she just looks at it.

She absolutely LOVES her new camera and hasn’t put it down all day. The wife and I are quite entertained by her pictures (hmm... I’ve never considering taking 12 pictures of the ceiling fan or 30 of my feet…)
I’m thinking of setting up her own Photo Blog and maybe calling it “The Unknown World of Those Under 37 Inches” or “What Happens When You Give a 2-Year Old a Camera Project.”

Princesses Can Sing, Dance, Control Animals Actions, and Now Ice Skate...

We took my daughter to the Disney Princesses on Ice show Friday night – she loved it.
The last “On Ice” show I’ve been to was “Sesame Street on Ice” back in the late 70’s. All I remember was a huge Grover on skates, a disco ball, and an uncomfortably large Cookie Monster.

This show was a much better experience, except for the $6 crackcorn… or ‘Popcorn’, $10 cotton candy, or the $20 spinning light toys.
The only unsettling part of the show was when prince Eric and Ariel were doing a skate duet -- he picked her up by the legs and spun her with her head disturbingly close to the ice.
All of the parents covered their kids’ eyes as if they were about to have sex.

Christmas Picture Gallery

"Off-White Ceiling Fan: circa 2003""Lonely Unwatered Poinsettia"
"Paul Frank Socks on Little Feet"
"Self Portrait"

Merry Christmas: I hope you and your family had a great Holiday!

Back from Disney World…I Need a Vacation!

When I finally rested my head on my own pillow at 2 am last night, I reflected on the last 7 days:

Things I didn’t enjoy:
-Spending about $50 on popcorn because my daughter became addicted to the stuff like it was crack.
-Dodging and getting hit by “extremely overweight people” on those little rascal motor scooters!
-Florida weather turning on us: 55 daytime high, 39 nighttime low in the middle of our vacation!! (what gives?!)

A few things I’m going to remember forever:
-My daughter asking for popcorn at every popcorn cart -“I want popcorn” in a low-voice, over and over again. I counted 48 one time.
-Eating lunch in “the castle” with the Princesses at Cinderella’s Royal Table. My daughter loved this.
-Flying 800,000 miles to Disney World from L.A. and what’s my daughter’s favorite ride? The playground.
-Daughter falling asleep at the Epcot Candlelight Procession during the trumpet blowing part, and then waking up suddenly afterwards when somebody dropped their drink.
-My daughter bumping her head at the Epcot’s Canada pavilion, then saying in tears “Daddy! I bump my head on Canada!!”

And for those who are thinking of going, some recommendations (of course they all have to do with food…):
Teppan Edo (Japanese Restaurant) at Epcot. I’ve been to Japan and I never saw any cooktop show this fancy.
Le Cellier (Canadian Restaurant) at Epcot. Oh. My. God. This was the BEST steak I’ve ever had. You Canadians sure know how to make meat! If you all eat like this, I’m moving.
Boma (Animal Kingdom Lodge) Oddly enough, this was a buffet. I usually HATE buffets, but the food was awesome – Exotic African foods from, I think, 6 or 50 countries...
Spirit of Aloha Dinner Show (Polynesian Resort) Nothing against Kauai, but this show was better than the crap we saw out there. And the fire guy must have been on drugs because I swear he practically lit himself on fire. And the food was pretty good too - especially the BBQ pork ribs.
California Grill (Contemporary Resort) On the fence with this one -- the view is amazing and the service was great. And they were especially accommodating for a toddler -- when our bread came out, they brought her Goldfish crackers on a fancy dish. And her 4-cheese pizza was tasty. The big downside are the prices.

Potty Training Update: Don’t Do It At Disney World…
God knows I tried...
1st attempt -- We were waiting in line to see Goofy and he had to leave for 5 minutes (we were told to get Hot Cocoa, in reality to switch people.) I told my daughter Goofy had to go poopy on the potty.
She told me Santa was bringing him presents.

2nd attempt -- During the Princess lunch, the wife took her to use the Royal Restroom (yes, they have them in the castle.) I told my daughter that’s were all the Princesses go poopy on the potty.
She came back and said she didn't see any in there. Apparently, she went looking under the stalls.

3rd attempt -- We were waiting in line to see Pluto and he had to leave for a 5 minute break. I told my daughter Pluto had to go poopy on the potty.
She told me “NO, doggies go poopy on the floor!!!”

"Watch your step, Pluto poops around here..."

What To Do When A Child Stops Believing In Santa?! And Kids Birthday Parties Marathon

Yes I know I haven’t posted in awhile but between getting ready for Christmas, prepping for our Disney World vacation in two days, and the 5 birthday parties (3 in one day!) we’ve been to in the last week alone -- their isn’t much time for anything else.

The most interesting birthday party of the bunch was a Scooby Doo themed one in "the hills" with a Scooby and Shaggy impersonator.

During their whole comedy routine about 99% of the parents (entertainment-types) were standing in a nearby tennis court networking while this one mom and I were sitting near our scared kids. They were pretty frightened of the Scooby Doo -- I think maybe because his costume looked like it had a rough night in Tijuana, or maybe because he was holding his tail like a baton and would start hitting kids on the head with it.
When he came close to my daughter she jumped up, screamed and ran away into the crowd of schmoozing parents.

The best part was hearing these two sugared-out kids talk to Scooby:

Boy#1: (around 5 or 6) Hey Scoob! Do you smell your own butt?!
Scooby: (in his breathy Scooby voice) Whaaaat?
Boy#2: (around 5 or 6) Hey Scooby! You’re not going to smell my butt, are you?!”

(all the nearby children start laughing like the Charlie Brown/Peanuts kids…)

Scooby: (in a Brooklyn accent) Leave me alone kid.


Potty Training Update: The Santa Method

My patent-pending Santa Motivation Method (code named: S.M.M.) is starting to lose steam. I’m not sure where I went wrong, but my daughter doesn’t seem to care anymore about Santa bringing her presents on Christmas by going poop on the potty (Darn! A kid stopped believing – what do I do!? What do I do…!?)

In desperation, I made it a point to pass by Santa Claus in the mall today. Standing near the flimsy cardboard fence I knelt down to her level, and in a calm voice gave my recurring line “Remember, Santa only gives presents if you do poopy on the potty…all the time”

She looked at me, and then him. I could tell the wheels were turning (Come on, come one…take the bait...)
She looked me straight in the eyes and excitedly said, “That’s O.K., Santa bringing YOU lots of PRESENTS!!”

What? Santa Claus Makes Toddlers Behave And Use The Toilet…

Now that my daughter is nearing 2 1/2, Christmas in her eyes is proving to be very entertaining. The lights, the decorations, the songs, Santa Claus...
At first she was pretty freaked out about the idea of a big guy breaking into the house through the chimney, but now she’s fine with it because he brings presents. When wife sings, “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” she quickly interrupts with “no mommy, he coming to my house…to bring me PRESENTS!!!” (hooray!)

Upon seeing this supernatural influence, I saw a great opportunity to help with the potty training cause. I’ve told her Santa only brings presents on Christmas to big kids that use the potty…and guess what? Every time she sees any Santa, or any mention of him, she wants to use the potty. So far his magical powers seem to be working (hooray!)

Now I’m pushing Santa even more – like when she doesn’t want to sit down at dinner, or when she’s on the verge of a breakdown. I bend down to her level, get in real close, and say in a low serious voice, “Remember (slowly look around.) Santa ‘knows’ if you’re being bad…”
She stops and then her eyes get big (wheels turning), then looks around the area as if he’s hiding behind the sofa or in a parked car outside with binoculars.

I've created this coloring page every time I want her to use the toilet or behave:

"Santa Claus is watching" (coloring page)

I know this influence isn’t going to last forever so I’m taking full advantage... and then I’ll worry about the therapy bills later.

I’m Friends With Santa Claus’s Daughter – Maybe I Can FINALLY Get That Porsche

Well, he’s not the real one but a professional one. So I was talking to this girl (I can’t say ‘woman’ because she’s younger than me like, 26 or 27... [by the way --is that sexist of me?]…) so this ‘young lady-girl’ I work with was telling me about her Dad whose been going to Santa school for 4 years has finally earned his Santa Bachelor’s degree.

“Whatchoutalkin’bout willis?!”

I never heard of such a thing. Apparently there’s a real Santa school somewhere back east (Charles W Howard) that’s been around for over 7,418 years! Well not really, more like 70 and the founder was on “Miracle on 34th Street” and is known in the Santa impersonator movement as “the Santa God.” (insert angelic choir)

Apparently this is serious stuff -- They take classes in:

• History and Folklore
• Child Psychology
• Naughty Kids
• Why do mommy and daddy always fight?
• Beard Grooming
• Are you friends with Jesus?
• Reindeer CPR
• Fire and Liability Insurance

So now I’m thinking - when I take my daughter in 3 months (yikes! Where’d the time go!) to the mall for pictures this year, I definitely want some type of accreditation (...for the fire insurance alone.)
I’m looking for that framed diploma on the wall, you know like what doctor’s have in those cheap oak frames. Because seriously I wouldn’t want a doctor without a diploma, why should Santa be the same, right?

(I have no idea how I get into these random topics with people…)

It’s Over: Christmas/New Year’s/Family Vacation. And I’m Avoiding Disney World For A Few Years

We’ve returned. Yes, there’s nothing like spending New Year’s Eve evening flying into LAX with a bunch of crazy people who smell like Frenchmen in the summertime and then driving through Wendy’s at midnight (we were freakin’ starving!) and the fast-food worker yells “Happy New Year’s” in Spanish and then asks what kind of sauce do you want with those $.99 chicken nuggets (did I mention he had 3 teeth?) It sure feels good to be back in L.A.
Oh yeah, and some famous basketball player was flying with us on the plane. I don’t know what his name was (I don’t watch sports, remember…although I did enjoy G.L.O.W. in the 80’s.)

I hope everybody survived Christmas and New Years. Overall we did have fun out at Disney World. Although it was challenging at times with 3 families and 5 kids – though the kids weren’t the ones who had all the drama - we have a controlling brother-in-law who practically needs to give bathroom permission to his wife, which was really annoying to my wife and I (he grew up in a farm in Ohio, I don’t know…maybe in 1870) and a father-in-law who brought along his new lady-friend (who’s 73 but looks not a day over 85. He's 62) and they shared the same room and bed (thankfully the kids didn’t ask questions) Oh the joys! And the weather was really weird- when we first got there it was all ‘hot and humid’ (we didn’t pack for that- so we went shopping), and then it rained like a mo-fo for a day or two (went shopping again), and then it got really cold (just what we packed for.) And just before we left, it got really nice. I’m not sure how you Florida people put up with that craziness.

Interesting things I learned:

*Never go to Disney World between Christmas and New Years. I’m not sure what we were thinking; several parks got “full” on some days (not a good thing.) Everybody said Thanksgiving is much better time or even the week before Christmas.
* Stay in a Disney hotel. Most of the time we were in a vacation rental house, the other days we stayed at Disney hotels (Wilderness Lodge and Port Orleans-Riverside) it’s easy to get around with those resort buses and the parks stay open late just for hotel guests (up to 3 a.m.) so you can actually go on rides.
*My daughter’s favorite ride? Can you believe it was walking up and down steps!? There must be something about those steps that’s better than the ones here in California.
* Really “large” (a nice way of saying ‘fat’) people in those electric scooters are annoying. I can’t tell you how many times they tried to run us over while honking with those annoying whining, hissing horns. I saw about 12 of them getting up to buy ice cream and turkey legs a few times. We don’t have nearly as many of those out here.
* I can survive without touching a computer for 10 days (I never thought that could ever happen unless I fell in a hole) Although that has some drawbacks -I didn’t know Saddam was hung, and Ford and James Brown died. So it was like being cut off from the world.
*Go to the Kennedy Space center. It was only an hour away and now I’m pretty sure that the moon landing wasn’t “faked” on a soundstage like that crazy professor in college claimed.
*That Expedition Everest ride was pretty cool.
* Stores in Orlando didn’t have Nintendo Wii’s either (yes, I checked)

Does anybody make New Year’s resolutions? I was thinking about it today, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to scream when I see the new credit card bill.

Playing Santa With The Kids AND How I Learned 'The Truth' About Santa!

Kittenpie @ Life of ‘Pie got me thinking about this - Do most of you parents “do” the Santa thing with your kids? If so, what are your traditions and how do you reveal ‘the truth’ about Santa. If you don’t “do” Santa - why? I want to know...

I never really thought about it until today (yeah, weird I know.) My daughter is only 17-months and the only Santa-thing we do is teaching her how to call the old guys in the malls “Santa” (or any old guy with a white beard.)
In my own life, I’m a little jaded - I found out ‘the truth’ when I was around 5 or 6. It was a horrible experience. I went out to the garage on that Christmas Eve to turn on the outside Christmas lights and saw two BMX bikes (from ‘the Santa list’.) I remember standing there in shock like, “did he come early?” and then I heard an angry voice behind me yelling, “what do you think you’re doing!!” Before I could think or talk I got chewed out and sent to my room. All confused I had no idea what to think –random stuff filled my head like “God, I hope these aren’t my parents..…maybe my “real” ones will come this year to take me away”. Actually no, I thought that all the time. I think it was just simple confusion.
Anyhow, my father comes in maybe about an hour later and starts yelling at me like I robbed the corner 7-11 and tells me not to tell my brother anything about “the incident” and then goes on to say “you’re not getting anything for Christmas!”, He then left, slamming the door (I remember my framed poster of Chewbacca falling off the wall that moment and breaking – Chewbacca didn’t deserve that.)
I sat on my bed confused, “why did Santa come early and why was I in trouble. Santa must be an angry teamster.”

Low and behold, I did end up getting the bike late the next day. My parents gave it to me after my brother was riding his new bike up and down our cul-de-sac street all day with the neighbor kids while I sat in the garage and observed. But my Dad warned me “don’t tell your brother about Santa not being real”. Then it hit me – “What, he’s not real?”

Oddly around that time, my younger brother told me that he knew Santa wasn’t real. All parents lied about it to make the kids behave (yes, younger brother.) Some kid, Billy Bologna (not his real name) told him at preschool or on the street. And then he went on and told me why didn’t I just go along with it - I’d get more gifts if I did.
That’s probably the smartest thing my little brother ever said his entire life. Because God knows most of the stuff he says these days isn’t.

O.K. so tell me people? Do you still do Santa? And do you have any stories about “the truth”…

The Art Of Christmas Shopping Procrastination: Don’t Think About It And It’ll Go Away!

So what did you do over the weekend? Perhaps you, like millions of others, did some Christmas shopping? What did “I” (and family) do you might ask? Well, surely not Christmas shop. We did what the French do best - just ignored it and did something fun (minus the cigarettes). We went to San Diego. There sure is nothing like 78-degree, cloudless, sunny weather that gets you into the “Christmas Spirit” (I even had Hot Chocolate with marshmallows- you can’t get more “Christmas” than that!) Although I can’t honestly say the weather was that good all the time; it did get down to 50-degrees at night (Brrrrr! – practically snow weather.)

We haven’t been down to San Diego in about 4 years, and we heard about this event they have called “Christmas at the Prado” (which was renamed “December Nights”) up at their Balboa Park area. We had a good time, Balboa Park is an absolutely amazing place – it looks like a piece of Spain landed in the area. Ornate Moorish/Spanish Renaissance architecture with towers, manicured gardens, great city views, and enough museums to make any 16-month old scream from boredom. Add Christmas lights and about 4 million people there that night (well, not 4, maybe ‘3.4’) and you have quite a bash.

The best part was walking past the (lonely) Atheist Coalition booth that had a bunch of creeping looking, sour-faced hippies working it and then about 100 feet up the way was some crazy over-the-top Jesus freaks wearing t-shirts and holding signs like “Repent!” When I passed the dude with the sign, I told him that he should talk to the dudes down at the booth - they needed Jesus (I would have liked to have seen that conversation...)

One thing I really like about San Diego which is much different than L.A. -- the people -- they're much friendly there. Total strangers will just chat with you as if they’ve known you for a while. You don’t get that in L.A. unless you know them somehow (or you just had a fender-bender or sell crack).
Or it could be the fact that if you have a kid (or a dog) people deem you as “approachable”.

What about all of you? Does having a young kid (or dog) make it easier for strangers to talk with you?