Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

My wife is now 36 weeks and 2 days pregnant as of today which means we’re in full preparedness mode. I know this detailed information because of an awesome iPhone app for Men with pregnant wives.
The car seat is ready, the birthing kit is always with us, the midwife is on our cell phones speed dial, and I can boil water within 2 minutes.

I’m actually not sure what the point of hot water is anyway, but whatever, I’m prepared if the need should ever arise.

This part of the pregnancy that I remember the least with our daughter the first time around, as I was too busy worrying about my wife and the birthing part going well. This time I know what to expect and I'm fully prepared (I hope!) This whole pregnancy thing just amazes me to no end.

What amazes me even more is the weird and almost rude things people say to pregnant women in general. Not sure if they’re trying to be nice or sympathetic, but here’s a list of things heard that nobody should say:

Never tell a pregnant woman…

• Are you pregnant?
• You must have had a big lunch!
• Whoa! You look like you’re going to bust at any minute.
• Are you sure you’re not carrying twins/triplets?
• Can I rub your belly for luck?
• (Rub belly without asking)
  
• Does your back hurt? Yeah, I woke up this morning and mine hurts too.
• You waddle like a duck.
  
• You’re all puffy just like the stay-puff marshmallow man.
• I have dogs/cats so I know exactly what it’s like to be a new parent.
• Did you hear about the woman that had a 30-pound baby last week?
• You look normal from the back.

If you say any one of these then you deserve to get knocked over the head with a rolling pin.

What weird things have you heard?

How To Answer The Question “Where Do Babies Come From?

Apparently my explanation to my 4-year old daughter a few weeks ago didn’t resonate completely with her:

“My seed, otherwise know as ‘sperma’ or haploid with 23 chromosomes, and mommy’s egg, also with 23 chromosomes met in the mommy’s womb and formed a diploid cell and after it fertilized a zygote was formed, which is basically a baby, and now you’ll be a big sister in a few months. Now go clean your room, brush your teeth, be nice to mommy, and don’t forget to wash your hands after using the bathroom. I love you.”

Today my daughter told my wife how her baby brother got into her belly:

“You ate a baby seed and now you need to eat healthy food like pizza and blueberries to feed it.”

And then she went onto explain –

“Joe’s mommy’s both have veh-hina’s and was born from both of them at Target.”

And then continued with—

“Can we go see the Chipmunks Squeakquel again?”

To which I jumped in and answered –

“No!!”
One time was more than enough. I still can’t believe how bad that movie was…

Have your kids ever asked you the “Where do babies come from” question? If so, how did you answer?

2010 Will Be Better!

December is finally over.

In 4 short weeks we’ve been through my wife’s graduation, a week at Disney World, a long in-law visit, our car (2005 MINI cooper) engine dying out of nowhere, 2 more family members losing their homes, and then sudden passing of one of my oldest and closest friends’ grandmother.

It’s been a very tough month.

Thankfully 2009 ended on something to be cheerful about, we had our first ultrasound last week and we’re having a BOY! Everything seems to be there, in working order and he’s growing just fine and is on target for spring. We couldn’t be more thrilled to have a girl and a boy. Although it would have been a little nice to have a boy first when we were younger to catch up to him, but hey I’m not complaining.
Ultrasound visits are always surreal. There’s just no way to even explain that ecstatic feeling of seeing your baby for the first time - even though he’s in black and white and looks like on some 1950’s submarine radar screen – just getting that glimpse is amazing. And then they switch to that 4D mode and then you’d swear that you’re living in the future (like in 2001), seeing things so clearly that we could count his fingers and toes.

On the way home with our daughter in the back talking about all of things she’s going to share with her baby brother and how nice she’s going to be to him forever (yes, I should have recorded it) the wife and I talked about how it’s been nearly 5 years since we went through all of this new baby stuff and how much we’ve forgotten in that short amount of time. Just the thought of diapers, night feedings, taking the stroller everywhere, getting kicked in the groin by the Baby Bjorn rider, diaper bag being dragged all over the place, and my ultimate fear: potty training – that alone just scares me all over again.

But then again this time around I have real world experience with child #1. I have my parenting skills down unlike before where everything was by trial and error. Lots of errors but trying my best and I think she's turning out just fine.

And unlike child #1, this will work on #2…

"Every time you poop in your pants, Elmo cries.
Don't make Elmo Cry!"

All Of My Friends Are Having Babies, And They Already Have One

There was a time when the wife and I were married for a few years and would hear things like “When are you having a baby?!”, “Are you pregnant!?”, “Why are you waiting so long?!”, “Why don’t you get a haircut?!”
When we finally did the next thing we heard was “It’s about freakin’ time!”

Really? What time is that? Because the only time I know is “Hammertime”

Then when our daughter was around 6-months-old people (primarily family) started it all over again…
“When are you having ANOTHER baby!?”, “Are you pregnant?!”, “You’re not really a parent until you have, like 6”, “Why don’t you get a haircut!”

What’s wrong with you people?! One is tough enough! Haven’t you heard of college tuition rising faster than inflation and $3,000 Miley Montana concert tickets!?

Good Times.

Somewhere in all that chaos we were fortunate enough to find solace with 2 other couples that, like us, had 1 child (girls) around the same age of ours.

It was awesome.

We did “play dates” with them to all sorts of fun places, even to a few that were still a little “nice” since the kids couldn’t get too out of control because we adults outnumbered them 2 to 1.
“Sit in your seat” They sat
“No, you can’t touch daddy’s liquor. Here drink some milk” And they would listen and drink their milk.
“Sing us some Lionel Richie” And they all sang “Dancing On the Ceiling” in unison.

Oh what a feelin’, when were all 1-child families…

What Happened?

Yes, all was good in the world until about 3 weeks ago when our 1-child "friends" welcomed their 2nd child at virtually the same time.

Oh great! What are we going to do now…?!

I’m happy for them, really I am. But I'd wished they had thought more about my vision of happy 1-child families before going off and having another one.

Sometimes people can be so inconsiderate...

Solution.

So today I've finally come up with a few options to remedy the situation at hand:

1. Have another one so we can join the club.
2. Find new friends with one child.
3. Get a haircut.
4. Ask our current longtime hitched friends with no children, “When are you having a baby?!” “Are you pregnant!?” “Why are you waiting so long!?”

My daughter caught wind of her friends new baby brothers and is now whining at me, saying things like “I want a baby brother like Audrey and Maya!!”

I've told her she could have one only is she promises to feed him, take him for walks, and cleans up after him in the yard.