What To Do When There Are Monsters Attacking The House…

I’m not telling, I’m asking.

According to my 4-year old monsters keep attacking our house every night and according to her the only way to keep them away is to stay up late, sleep in our bed, eat Root Beer floats, and watch cartoons.

I think she’s lying because I do most of that already.
Well maybe not all of that. Just replace cartoons with ‘Glee’ and the ‘new’ Melrose Place (don’t judge me.)

Oddly enough this is the first time we’ve ever has to deal with nightmares. My daughter has never had any up to this point before, even, after that one incident we had awhile back with monsters behind our sofa. Or that incident with the Potty Training when I told her monsters ate poop in diapers and that’s why she needed to use the toilet.

Or that one time we watch some of Pirates of the Caribbean together.

Or that time we took her to a Tom Jones concert.

Or that time we watched Rambo. But she wasn’t really paying attention anyway because we were too busy playing Blackjack.

I just don’t get it?

So like the practiced and skilled father that I am, I stepped back from the situation and did some well-researched, logical, scientific studies on just what are the primary causes of children’s nightmares.

What Causes Children to Have Nightmares:

1. Mom and Dad NOT locking the door
2. Kevin Costner babysitting puppies
   
3. Major events like starting a new school, divorce, death in the family, or new sibling
4. Mom and Dad NOT locking the door
5. Recent firing of Walt Disney Studios president Dick Cook
6. The entire state of California on FIRE all the time
7. Mom and Dad NOT locking the door
8. Zombies attacking Orlando, Florida while on vacation there
9. Lady Gaga
10. Typhoons, earthquakes, mudslides, floods, and train derailments
11. The Halloween display at Target
12. Mom and Dad NOT locking the door

So now that I know the causes, I came up with some quick solutions…


How to Get Rid of Children’s Nightmares:

1. Mom and Dad taking the time to LOCK the door
2. The horn of a unicorn and crystal necklace
3. Spraying the room with monster repellant (plain water)
4. Leaving an uneaten box of KFC popcorn chicken downstairs before going to bed
5. Child signing affidavit that they won’t whine or cry when getting ready in the morning until age 18
6. Stranding Kevin Costner on an island with no movie camera, electricity, and friends

Any other suggestions?

The Kindergarten Myth

Now that summer is sadly over, about half the kids in my daughter's preschool have gone off to the great "Kindergarten."

I put it in quotes because from what my daughter has been telling me, it really has changed a lot from the days when I was a kid.

An actual conversation--

Daughter: Reece's last day was today...he's going to KINDERGARTEN in Antarctica!
Me: Really? Antarctica
Daughter: YES! And his mommy and daddy buyed him a new car when he turned 5 and got married to Melena. She's going to KINDERGARTEN too!
Me: Wow, Kindergarten, married, and a new car. At least they can get the married rate on their car insurance.

(blank stare)

Daughter: I don't know what that means.

Daughter (continued): When I go to KINDERGARTEN, can I go to THE MOON!?
Me: Sure, but only if you promise not to get married right out of preschool or move-in with a boyfriend, or ask for money, and call your mother at least once a week.

(blank stare)

Daughter: I don't know what that means.

Questionable Common Sense Advice

Not sure when exactly this happened but my daughter has suddenly gotten into giving advice.

Not only advice but also suggestions, guidance, and pretty unusual bits of information too. She’s been dishing it out to neighbors, babysitters, strangers, kids, adults, animals, manimals, and just about anything that listens.

In fact, when she saw me writing this she told me I needed more “T’s”.
Apparently it was lacking.

Some recent random bits:

• Don’t eat a hamburger outside. A bird could poop on it.
• Octopuses have lots of testicles, that’s why they’re so mad.
• At a museum it’s OK to touch your own art, but not anybody else’s.
• Never ever tell a cat he’s ugly.
• Lionel Richie eats at Souplantation, but only on Thursday.
• You can call Elvis “Chad” at any time.
• If you practice everyday, you can sing underwater.
• When you burp make sure a Tiger is not around.
• Everybody should have one pink dress.
• Crabs have families too; they just don’t draw pictures for each other.
• You need to be 125 to drive a car. You need to be 5 to get married.
• Don’t EVER shake a crocodiles’ hand.
• I don’t even know anybody that has a Kindle. Maybe a Monkey?

Now I'm having doubts about eating outside tomorrow as I'm taking a hamburger for lunch...

Help! I Need Excuses – Fast

My daughter has asked for something that I’ve detested nearly my entire life. Something that I’ve always loathed because, in my view, it serves absolutely no purpose in this world but to aggravate, annoy, and destroy good tax-paying citizens like myself.
No it’s not Kevin Costner, the Beatles, or Mosquito’s - it’s a cat.

She wants one really bad. She’s been drawing pictures of herself and this non-existent kitty cat (called “princess pinkalicious”) frequently. In addition to the begging and pleading that she’ll feed it, tuck it into bed every night, clean up after it, and play with it every 5 minutes she’s offered to pay for it with her allowance/birthday/Christmas and 529 (now referred as ‘gambling fund’) money.
I woke up this morning to a huge smiling face staring at me saying, “I love you daddy!! Can I have a kitty cat PLEASE?!”
When I said ‘no’, she marched out upset and mumbled something about ‘Robbie at school will buy one for her’ (note to self: have a man-to-man with 4-year old Robbie tomorrow. Don’t shave or brush teeth.)

There’s no doubt in my mind that the wife is in on this too as she’s not doing or saying anything to prevent this behavior. She grew up with cats. Her mom had about 678 cats. Well not really, but some number really close to that.

My dislike for cats started back in 1979 when my babysitters’ cat tried to kill me. You heard me right - that chubby ugly cat walked right up to me, when Barbara was occupied on the phone, and told me “I will kill you when you least expect it.” Well, not those exact words, but it inferred it with those freaky looking spooky cat eyes. I never went back to that house again.

My dislike for them continued in 1996 when my roommate’s cat use to sit in front of the TV, when my roommate was gone, and say things like “I will kill you when you least expect it – Mr. Cuddles would have wanted that.” This time he did say it with a Russian accent. I would sleep with the door locked, only to hear him slowly scratching at it late at night like Freddy Krueger. That’s when I learned how to sleep with one eye open.

To this day I can walk into any pet shop and playful kittens will stop frolicking and in an instant stare at me as if saying, “I’ll cut you up, foo!”

Pure wicked evil sent from hell; that’s what those kittens/cats/demons are.


Excuses telling a child why they can’t have a pet (or in this case cat.)

1. Cats are reincarnated criminals and whole life insurance salesmen.
2. Cats have killed more people than all wars combined, plus a 100 million more.
3. If a cat bites you, you’ll turn into an ugly vampire and you’ll never be a princess.
4. Cats are friends with monsters and invite them over for drinks often.
5. Once a cat tastes human blood, it will keep feeding.
6. You can’t have a cat until you’re at least 65.
7. Big Bird use to have a little brother, but cats ate him.
8. Cats eat Fairies.
9. Cats are prone to alcoholism.
10. If you get a cat, you can’t have a unicorn.