Minimum Age to Have a Baby?

My daughter has been asking all kinds of curious questions lately.

I’m not exactly sure what’s sparked the interest these past few weeks - maybe kids just get extra inquisitive towards the end of the school year. I keep wondering if, while they play around in the sand discuss things like, “What do you think Microsoft is going to do with Skype after the acquisition?” Or “What about those Medicare costs?” or maybe even, “Why doesn’t your Dad like the Beatles or Kevin Costner?”

All easily answerable, but yesterday she threw me through me off a bit:

Daughter: “Daddy, when can I have a baby?”

I stopped for a second, literally put my index finger to my chin, and looked up as if the answer where written somewhere on the ceiling.
My immediate thought was definitely not like most of my cousins on my biological mother’s side of the family – but we see them on occasion and that would be really awkward if she happened to say anything about that conversation.
While waiting she followed up with something more specific:

Daughter: “Like, how old do I have to be?"

Me: “At least 30. And you have to have graduated from college, have a good job, and be married to somebody I say is OK to marry. All in that order. Now let’s go get some ice cream!”

Then while eating Popsicles she asked why Daisy Dukes with bikinis on top melted Popsicles.

I told her it was Mommy’s turn to answer a question.

Questionable Common Sense Advice

Not sure when exactly this happened but my daughter has suddenly gotten into giving advice.

Not only advice but also suggestions, guidance, and pretty unusual bits of information too. She’s been dishing it out to neighbors, babysitters, strangers, kids, adults, animals, manimals, and just about anything that listens.

In fact, when she saw me writing this she told me I needed more “T’s”.
Apparently it was lacking.

Some recent random bits:

• Don’t eat a hamburger outside. A bird could poop on it.
• Octopuses have lots of testicles, that’s why they’re so mad.
• At a museum it’s OK to touch your own art, but not anybody else’s.
• Never ever tell a cat he’s ugly.
• Lionel Richie eats at Souplantation, but only on Thursday.
• You can call Elvis “Chad” at any time.
• If you practice everyday, you can sing underwater.
• When you burp make sure a Tiger is not around.
• Everybody should have one pink dress.
• Crabs have families too; they just don’t draw pictures for each other.
• You need to be 125 to drive a car. You need to be 5 to get married.
• Don’t EVER shake a crocodiles’ hand.
• I don’t even know anybody that has a Kindle. Maybe a Monkey?

Now I'm having doubts about eating outside tomorrow as I'm taking a hamburger for lunch...

4th Blogiversary!

I can’t believe it’s been 4 years since I’ve started this blog. How different the world was back then with a 3 week old baby girl possessing the feeling of both excitement and anxiety of the unknown new world of parenthood.

This blogging of mine began late at night when our house felt more like a 24 diner with one demanding customer. Late night feedings quickly shifted from bad late-night TV to the Internet searching for other parents looking for tidbits of advice and insight (some still blog and are on the links to the right.) Then that slowly turned into my own writings about my own experiences and sometimes more than often random thoughts.

Over the years I’ve contemplated stopping for lack of time or sometimes significance, but then realized that these posts, no matter how random, personal, or infrequent document something that could be of interest to my daughter sometime in the future.

Or her future therapist, depending on who you’re talking to.

Highlights Over The Years:

If My Daughter Becomes a Vegetarian

The Elvis Impersonator Was Late to My Daughter’s 1st Birthday Party

KFC changes their chicken - My letter to Colonel Sanders

My kid saw me pee

Men are from Mars, In-Laws are from Uranus (and they watch Football)

Birthday party: Chuck E Cheese is one ANGRY rat

Thank YOU for being a friend (with a Wii)

Parents that wait in line for hard-to-find Christmas gifts

Get me a beer, I'm feeling pretty manly after changin' the oil

It's NOT a facial - It's a MEN's facial!!

An open letter to the wife regarding fathers day

Mother's day coloring pages that you won't find anywhere else

The Easter bunny must be living large in beverly hills

I'm preparing for my daughter’s kindergarten interview

A message to toddlers: nose picking is very unpatriotic!

My daughter’s imaginary friend: an unauthorized biography

When 'time outs' don’t work

How to Catch an Imaginery Monster

Exterminator wanted! apparently my house is infested with monsters *Popular

Potty training coloring pages *Popular

Colonel sanders and santa claus must be brothers or just angels sent from heaven

Halloween night randomness! Pet parents, pimps, and...

HELP! I think they may take away my man card

Are you there God? It’s me Tony…what’s happening to me!?

Teaching Good Habits....with coloring pages

Annoying Cartoon Characters

How To Get a Princess to Behave

Tough Love vs. Spanking

Most people think it is improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kid when he has one of those moments.

One that I found effective is for me to just take him for a car ride and talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kid usually calms down and stops misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Sincerely,
A Friend



Source: I have no idea who wrote this as it was forwarded to me.

I Want To Freeze My Daughter. Maybe Costco Has Something…

Can anybody help? She's going to be 3 soon and I wanted to know if there’s a way I can keep her 2-years old just a little longer.

Today while playing our favorite game together, "tea and KFC", I began to realize that she’s not a baby anymore. I started thinking about how big she’s getting and how different she is from this time last year. Back then she could say some words, even put some together like “Hi Elmo!”, “Red Car”, "Chicken Bucket", “Kevin Costner makes really bad movies...”
She could talk a little, but she was pretty much still a baby.

But now things are completely different. I’m not sure when it happened but in the past year she’s learned all kinds of new skills and tricks. She can now draw (or attempt), do stunts, has favorite shows and places to visit, plays poker (or attempt), has friends she talks about constantly, has a vivid imagination that completely fascinates me, tells stories, asks the most entertaining questions about the world around her that I’ve ever heard, and I can have really interesting conversations with her too:

Daughter: Dad-DEE, there’s a MONSTER under my bed
Me: Don’t pee in your pajamas, or he’ll stay there.
Daughter: (thinking) …O.K.!

Daughter: Dad-DEE, I want a baby sister
Me: OK, we’ll buy one at Target next time they’re on sale. Save your money.
Daughter: Oh, Thank you Dad-DEE! I get my moneys.

Daughter: (morning, just waking up) Dad-DEE, you use FEET to pedal a BIKE!
Me: That’s right! And you use a POTTY to go POOP.
Daughter: That’s right! Very Good!!

Why does this have to end when “2” just became fun? Her questions to me about the world around her as if I’m some kind of tour guide in a foreign country are really quite enjoyable; I like being the tour guide. And the best part is - I'm always right! She never questions any of my answers. To her I'm Yoda.
I just hope she still needs a Yoda tour guide at 3, 4, 5, etc. If not, I just may have to check those Target store ads for sales.

Maybe that's how you know when you're ready for another one...

Father’s Day – Things That I Love and Hate About Being a Dad

I was in my 30’s when my daughter came along and changed my life in ways I never (ever) could have imagined. Apparently a late bloomer in the parenting world. Did you know the average age of a new dad in the U.S. is between 20-24! (personally, I was nowhere near ready back then.)
Do you want to hear more? The average age of a first-time grandparent in the U.S. is 45! My kid will be in elementary school when I’m that age! I’ll be the old guy in the back drinking the Pepcid from the bottle. So that must also mean that when my kid graduates college (Art School...? fingers crossed) I’ll be sporting robotic limbs and maybe have an eye that can shoot lasers to help me cut my pork chops.

Now into my 2nd official father’s day, here’s a small list of things I hate and love about being a dad.

The “dislikes” (because hate is a strong word):
1. Not being able to find things (like my fancy little digital camera that could fit in an Altoids tin) because the daughter likes to “hide” things.
2. Always finishing off the food the daughter doesn’t finish, you know, because there are people starving in China… or Santa Monica.
3. A new movie opening this weekend? I betcha’ I won’t be there.
4. Expected to be an expert at putting together kids toys, play sets, furniture, electronics, fixing a “running toilet”, etc. (becoming a Dad didn’t change my previous status of ‘non-handyman.’)
5. Not much “mommy and daddy” time to do… uh “mommy and daddy” things.
6. The wife always spending WAY too much money on clothes for our daughter. Her reasoning “there are WAY too many cute clothes for girls.”
7. Finding crayon marks on the walls, floors, counters, furniture, those “cute” clothes…
8. Being woke up at 6:30 on a Saturday morning is just wrong.

The things I love about being a Dad
1. A reason to go digital camera shopping for the latest and greatest (how does it know what a face is anyways?)
2. Having an excuse to eat chicken nuggets, ice cream, and chocolate covered gummy bears (“It’s for the kid…not me”)
3. Not spending $50 to see a movie (like Big Mama’s House 2) in a theatre. I’m a big fan of Netflix (but not of Big Mama.)
4. Giving advice on how to put together anything without having any knowledge of what I’m talking about only because I somehow how clout as a Dad. Ask me how to build a cabinet – I dare ya!
5. When the wife and I are alone, it's a big deal and we enjoy our time together.
6. The wife not spending much on clothes for herself - which are much more expensive that clothes for our daughter.
7. Watching my daughter draw, handing me scribbles on paper, and proudly saying "Daddy! Look! Turtles!" (and I can see them too…)
8. Waking up to a little face staring at me saying “Hi Daddy!” followed by a kiss on the cheek or forehead and then maybe an “I LUV you”. I melt like butter. I swear if she were to ask for a pony at that moment, I’d buy one, spray paint it pink, glue-on a unicorn horn… and maybe duct tape wings on it too.

Is there nothing more amazing than seeing a speck turn into baby, and then into a kid - right before your eyes...? I honestly don't think so. Except maybe going to McDonalds, with Aliens, and them buying me lunch with their corporate Visa card.

O.K. what about all of you? Dads? Or Moms? (you can play too since you all outnumber the Dads by 1000 to 1! Or maybe the guys just don’t like to comment much) on what you "love" and “dislike” about being a Dad (or Mom.)

And to all my fellow Dads out there - Happy Father's Day

Single Professional Women Having Babies Alone. Single Professional Men Just Buy A Porsche

I just found out that a friend of ours is pregnant by "In Vitro Fertilization" (or IVF). Not only pregnant but with twins.
She’s in her late 30’s and like most women the wife and I work with (the ones nearing 40 or older), most are skipping a dude (or partner), adopting from China or Russia, or getting IVF treatment (which by the way - nasty- I didn’t know they had to inject themselves with drugs!?) oh yeah - and order some sperm (some are online from donor guys around the world – kind of like match.com or eharmony but only for the goods.)

Our friend is smart, has quite a head on her shoulders, put a whole lot of thought into this, and there’s no doubt in my mind that she wouldn’t do the best she could and be a fine parent. But from my own experience, 1 kid is really hard with 2 parents at the helm – I can’t even imagine turning that equation around (that's tough for anyone!) I can’t help but feel nothing but empathy for her. I saw a woman at Target today with twin infant carriers and she looked like she needed a few drinks (or vacation) and she was with a dude throwing beef jerky and batteries in the cart near the checkout (by the way- they know men are impulse shoppers by putting that stuff there – I wish they sold men’s underwear that way.)

Later the wife and I were chatting after meeting this friend for lunch -- who is also a pro-woman with a big fancy J.O.B. who could do fine on her own, etc. I asked if she would have done the same if she never “found me” – she replied with “yeah, I think I would have.” Just because she’s always wanted to be a mom and she couldn't imagine missing out on that life experience. But she is more than thrilled not to have to taken that route.
Me? – No, I would have just bought a Porsche, maybe an Aston Martin, and a few embroidered silk jackets with dragons on them.
Growing up I never really considered being a father (as with the vast majority of my single guys friends now.) Now thinking about it about 12 years ago, I was asked once about the possibility by a lesbian friend who was looking for a guy to have a kid with - that was odd even being asked. But no serious consideration even crossed my mind until I met the wife and my whole outlook on life changed. In the single days, I could never have imagined of being a single guy raising a kid if I never found anyone. I had 3 friends in High School who were raised by their Dads and they were all a mess. Actually one of them went on to do porn (so I’ve heard…) Maybe that’s why I was so jaded?
But who knows, maybe as I grew older my paternal outlook (or need to populate the world with another crazy artist) may have changed.

What about all of you -- moms and dads? If you had never met your spouse would you have gone solo?



BTW- Vote! (not only vote, but for vote for me!)

The Downside Of Parenting: The IRS And Having A Virus Monkey In The House

My daughter came home sick on Friday after spending all day with a few other kids. This wasn’t just any kind of 'sickness' and definitely not the kind we’re used to. Nope, this was the evil kind.
The moment she got into the car she started spewing like the love child of Chucky and the Exorcist - it freaked us out! (Would you believe that this is our first experience with this type of sickness in her 18 months of life.)
Weird junk was flying all over the place - onto her, the car, the wife, the iPod(!) – with her arms flailing in the air like Richard Simmons, and putting her hands in “the line of fire” and then back onto herself. Yup, and it just kept coming out, intermediately, as if she had some secret chamber in her that we didn’t know about until that moment (human’s really are 90% fluid – no doubt about that anymore.)

It continued at home throughout the night. The poor thing couldn’t sleep and just wanted to cuddle the whole time - which is about the only upside to her being sick - except for the times she started spewing again (I’m really considering inventing vinyl sleepwear for parents...)
As a parent it really breaks my heart to see her in so much pain; I really wished I had some magical superhuman powers, like He-Man or Oprah’s 300 billion dollars, to make it all go away - but I don’t. I’m just an ordinary human being that plays the accordion just like everybody else. My powers are being a human pillow, a Pedialite waiter, and knowledge of the infamous BRAT (banana, rice, apple, toast) diet - watching her eat, and then watching it come out again (thar' she blows!)
We knew it was finally over the next day when she started asking for Potato Chips and Chicken again. What a relief! All was right in the world once again - birds started singing, the sun came out, and David Hasselhoff arrived home safely that morning without a DUI and black eye.
That’s until the wife called me at work crying on the phone, revealing to me that she now has ‘the darkness’ in her.

Now, I’m afraid to go home. Scared, really anxious and worried about getting sick too. It feels as if the IRS, armed with their butterfly nets, are waiting for me to come home tonight. Sitting on my living room sofa listening to my Tom Jones CD’s, and playing with my Nintendo Wii…(help me Oprah…!)