The Man’s Man and the Modern Man

Men from generations past are much different than the ones today.

For example, my Dad was a mixture of Dwayne F. Schneider , Rambo, and MacGyver. He could fix just about anything with duct tape, the Swiss army knife on his key chain, and if needed the clothes on his back.
One time our car broke down and he used his own belt to substitute the broken engine belt. It lasted just long enough to go get ice cream and then pull into the car shop – our garage.

He looked down on people that used things like, AAA, power tools, mechanics, air-conditioning, or bottled water ("use the water hose!")

Now that I’m older and a Dad, well I get pretty excited when I can hang a picture on the wall straight. And I do it only so I can use the leveler app on my iPhone. I love that app. And I love my friends at AAA.
I’m not anywhere near as handy as my Dad especially given my track record the past few years – fixing that broken toilet (story link here) which is still kind of broken but I’ve learned to live with the hissing. And the time I changed the oil in my car (story link here) with assistance.

My iPhone now has a pretty good handyman on voice controlled speed dial. I programmed it - wait for the beep and say “iPhone, get me the handyman on the phone… now!” and it does. And then I say, “Now continue playing more Depeche Mode songs” and it does.

My daughter just got a bike for her birthday and the little girl next door got one on the same weekend too. So two other Dads’ and me were outside on the driveway trying to put these things together with no luck for about an hour. Why 1,200 pieces is beyond me! They might as well just pack the box with raw sheet metal, flower stickers, and pink paint.
Anyhow there we all were, me with my iPhone looking up the manufactures website to send a complaint email, and the other guys with all sorts of tools spread out all over the ground. Some still in fancy cases all shiny and new, perfectly organized by size, make, and color.
After I sent my complaint email, I looked up and realized how mortified my Father would have been if he were around.

“What's wrong with all of you!? AND with tools that are organized and NOT just thrown in a paper bags and jars? Bunch of communists!”
He probably would have run us all over in his 1978 truck still being held together with a roll of duct tape.

I felt ashamed.

Ashamed for not knowing what to do. Ashamed for not paying attention more to my Dad when I was growing up. Ashamed that these guys were my neighbors. Ashamed that my child is growing up without a Dad that can to put a simple 1,200 piece bicycle together in 12 minutes flat like the instructions say it should. Ashamed because the happy little girl pictured on the box probably has a Dad that put that bike together with raw sheet metal and pink paint in his sleep.

“Stop!” I yelled to the other guys. Then after the beep I shouted, “iPhone, get me the handyman on the phone… now!”

"Daddy attached the stickers!"

The Father’s Day Conspiracy

Why do people hate Father’s? The TV, Stores, Magazines, Organizations, Advertisers, America, Cats -- just about everybody.

It’s not difficult to notice that for Mother’s Day the entire month of May is devoted to ‘Mom’. There are pastel posters everywhere with all kinds of slogans, special commercials with fancy jingles, charity walks with celebrities raising money for all kinds of women causes. And who can escape the ads for gift suggestions:

• $10 Talking Greeting Cards
• Flowers with fruit in the vases
  
• Shopping gift cards
• $70 Champagne Brunches
• Jewelry
• Engraved anything
• Custom memory books
• Spa Makeovers
• Getaway Trips without husband/kids/anybody remotely related
• Lexus

In comparison some of ads I’ve seen for Father’s Day gift suggestions this year:

• Garage Floor Coating
• Kitchen Cabinet Refinishing
• Search and Rescue Headlamps
• Outdoor Storage Shed
• Whole House Air Duct Cleaning
• Free beer for Dad with purchase of 3 lunch entrees and 3 drinks
• Car Wash and Detail Kit (for Mom’s Lexus I guess…)

Huh?

Maybe by the end of the week they’ll be suggesting things like gas cards as the perfect Father’s Day gift.

It really is much simpler than that – I would be perfectly happy going on a family outing to my favorite eating place, taking a long uninterrupted nap, and getting some hand-made art that I can hang up at work with a note saying that if she becomes the first woman president it's all because of me.
And if I happen to get a floating waterproof table tennis, or a beer holster - that would be nice too.

Father’s Day – Things That I Love and Hate About Being a Dad

I was in my 30’s when my daughter came along and changed my life in ways I never (ever) could have imagined. Apparently a late bloomer in the parenting world. Did you know the average age of a new dad in the U.S. is between 20-24! (personally, I was nowhere near ready back then.)
Do you want to hear more? The average age of a first-time grandparent in the U.S. is 45! My kid will be in elementary school when I’m that age! I’ll be the old guy in the back drinking the Pepcid from the bottle. So that must also mean that when my kid graduates college (Art School...? fingers crossed) I’ll be sporting robotic limbs and maybe have an eye that can shoot lasers to help me cut my pork chops.

Now into my 2nd official father’s day, here’s a small list of things I hate and love about being a dad.

The “dislikes” (because hate is a strong word):
1. Not being able to find things (like my fancy little digital camera that could fit in an Altoids tin) because the daughter likes to “hide” things.
2. Always finishing off the food the daughter doesn’t finish, you know, because there are people starving in China… or Santa Monica.
3. A new movie opening this weekend? I betcha’ I won’t be there.
4. Expected to be an expert at putting together kids toys, play sets, furniture, electronics, fixing a “running toilet”, etc. (becoming a Dad didn’t change my previous status of ‘non-handyman.’)
5. Not much “mommy and daddy” time to do… uh “mommy and daddy” things.
6. The wife always spending WAY too much money on clothes for our daughter. Her reasoning “there are WAY too many cute clothes for girls.”
7. Finding crayon marks on the walls, floors, counters, furniture, those “cute” clothes…
8. Being woke up at 6:30 on a Saturday morning is just wrong.

The things I love about being a Dad
1. A reason to go digital camera shopping for the latest and greatest (how does it know what a face is anyways?)
2. Having an excuse to eat chicken nuggets, ice cream, and chocolate covered gummy bears (“It’s for the kid…not me”)
3. Not spending $50 to see a movie (like Big Mama’s House 2) in a theatre. I’m a big fan of Netflix (but not of Big Mama.)
4. Giving advice on how to put together anything without having any knowledge of what I’m talking about only because I somehow how clout as a Dad. Ask me how to build a cabinet – I dare ya!
5. When the wife and I are alone, it's a big deal and we enjoy our time together.
6. The wife not spending much on clothes for herself - which are much more expensive that clothes for our daughter.
7. Watching my daughter draw, handing me scribbles on paper, and proudly saying "Daddy! Look! Turtles!" (and I can see them too…)
8. Waking up to a little face staring at me saying “Hi Daddy!” followed by a kiss on the cheek or forehead and then maybe an “I LUV you”. I melt like butter. I swear if she were to ask for a pony at that moment, I’d buy one, spray paint it pink, glue-on a unicorn horn… and maybe duct tape wings on it too.

Is there nothing more amazing than seeing a speck turn into baby, and then into a kid - right before your eyes...? I honestly don't think so. Except maybe going to McDonalds, with Aliens, and them buying me lunch with their corporate Visa card.

O.K. what about all of you? Dads? Or Moms? (you can play too since you all outnumber the Dads by 1000 to 1! Or maybe the guys just don’t like to comment much) on what you "love" and “dislike” about being a Dad (or Mom.)

And to all my fellow Dads out there - Happy Father's Day