HELP! Aliens Abducted My Sweet Baby Girl And Replaced Her With A Toddler!

Hurry! Call Moulder, Oprah, Velma, Inspector Gadget, Antonio Villaraigosa, and maybe even Dr. Spock (you know the one with the elf ears.)

I think the incident happened sometime last weekend; I’m not sure exactly when, maybe while I was sleeping , or ordering some popcorn chicken at KFC (darn you KFC! First my chicken changes and then my kid!) My daughter began doing the most peculiar things - things completely out of the ordinary that were unheard of 2 weeks ago.
The weird part is that she still looks the same, my pleasant little baby girl (perhaps a little taller, less baby dimples around the arms and knees...) with that laugh and smile that makes me melt into a big softy. But now, there’s this shift in attitude as if something takes over her brain and turns it into a demanding teenager -- and she’s not even 2 yet! It just doesn’t make any sense... (head in hands)

---Morning---
(Peeking into her room slowly)

Me: Good morning!
Daughter: (happy. confusion. then eyes turn red) I WANT MOMMY! I WANT MOMMMMMY!!!

(wife comes in calmly, picks her up. still for 2 seconds....hisses at me…)

Daughter: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I WANT DADDY! I WANT DADDY!! (dark clouds form in room, fire engages from mouth, stuffed animals burning in hot lava – starts speaking in latin "Necronomcon ex Mortis…")

---Lunch---

Me: Do you want peas?
Daughter: NO!!!!
Me: O.K.

(3-second pause)

Daughter: I WANT PEAS!! (crying, whining) I WANT PEASsss!! (knocking over things, arms flailing all over the place with no place to go - like a Paula Abdul backup dancer.)

---Bedtime---

Me: Time to brush your teeth..!
Daughter: (Jaguar growl, then climbs the wall on all fours to the ceiling, spewing acid at me below - grabbing towels for protection while Lorena Mckennitt music plays in the background…)

It has to be aliens, right? Or possibly some brainwashing by Elmo (I never did like his whiny voice - he's telling kid subliminal messages - I just know it!!)
Fellow parents, when does it end? I want my baby girl back...

Toddler Rules, Gymboree, And The Oscars - All Collide Into A Fiery Ball Of Chaos!

I finally paid a visit with the wife to our daughter’s Gymboree class for the first time (I regularly teach on Saturday mornings and miss it.) I’ve been coaching the daughter to say random things like “Hi Baby!” when she sees another baby; when the wife was on the other side of the play room, my daughter said it to a crawling mom’s butt – the mom turned around, stared at me disgusted, with a look that said “why I never…!” then got up and walked away.
I can just imagine the Gymboree gossip circle now; I’m probably “that dad” now.
I did see something amusing on the wall that went something like this (paraphrasing):

Toddler Rules:
*If I once held it, it’s MINE
*If you’re holding it and it looks like it’s mine, it’s MINE
*If it makes noise, it’s MINE
*If I put it down, it’s still MINE
*Everything is MINE
We're in the beginning of the "mine" stage, which is this other realm of mystery.

Did anybody watch the Oscars last night? I thought it dragged on for about an hour and a half too long. I did like the shadow dance people, which was weird and funny... in a David Lynch kind of way (minus the midgets on tricycles, although I would have liked the addition.)
The best part was the Jack Black, Will Ferrell song and dance number (that Ricky Bobby movie was totally overlooked…!)
What I hate most about the Oscars is how some winners are completely predictable, while others I practically wanted to throw a rock at the T.V. out of shock (what’s with “Happy Feet” getting best animated over "Cars"!?)
I did like the Jennifer Hudson Speech. Yes. I know she was an American Idol and whatnot, but she was the most appreciative and authentic of the crowd. I did think Ellen should have made more of an effort to wear something more “dressy” (minus the dress-part.) red velvet should only stay on Prince and pimps. Other than that she was all right. I still think David Hasselhoff would have done a better job.

My daughter was running around most of the time playing before going to bed. Every time she saw a woman in a fancy dress she yelled “Prince-ESS!” When everybody clapped, she clapped and yelled “YEA!” When somebody we didn’t like won or they showed some cheesy celeb (DiCaprio, Marky Mark, etc.) she would put her finger on her nose and say “STINK-EEE!!!”.