Things to Look Forward to in 2009

There are things I’m going to miss about 2008: Joe the Plumber, 6-year old Chinese gymnast, bottled water not being cool anymore, etc.
And things that I won’t: financial crisis, potty training crisis, high gas prices crisis, Chuck E. Cheese’s crisis, Speed Racer movie crisis, Hadron Collider destroying the world - crisis.
I don’t know about you but I was a little nervous about that Collider, created by those mad European scientist sucking things into a black hole. Maybe next time around they could point it at Chuck E. Cheese so I don’t have to go to any more birthday parties there.

Nevertheless, here’s my list of things I’m looking forward to in ’09:

1. The demise of Bratz. After a huge court battle with Mattel Toys, MGA Entertainment (i.e. “The Pimps” of Bratz) is being forced to destroy the entire line, including the sushi strip bar. It still baffles me that some parents actually bought these thong wearing, drug addict looking, hookers for their daughters. And not just a few, but billions of dollars worth the past 8 years.
2. 10-year wedding anniversary. And to celebrate this April we’re going on a 15-day trip to Paris, France – where the wife and I met nearly 12 years ago. But this trip won’t be filled with white-tablecloth dinners, 12-hour visits to museums by day, and clubbing until 6am like the last time we were there because we’re taking our daughter. Paris with a 3-year old is definitely going to be different this time around. But after some research we’re finding out that there are lots of kid/family friendly things to do there. And I’m planning on blogging about the experience, possibly daily.
3. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Movie. This will probably be the only movie I see in a theater this year. Well maybe, Transformers 2, G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, and Up. And I’m sure my daughter will be all over Princess and the Frog, so maybe that one too.
4. My daughter’s 4th birthday. Come to think of it, maybe I’m not really looking forward to that one. She’s already growing up much too fast as it is. Her “Santa Wish List” this past Christmas consisted of make-up, lip-gloss, nail polish, hair/body glitter, a tattoo, a cell phone, and a chocolate bunny. Santa ended up bringing her a chocolate Santa and a Dollhouse.
5. A flying car. We're definitely overdue on this. And not only should it fly, it should be Mr. Fusion powered by banana peels, empty Jamba Juice cups, shredded up Bratz dolls, and leftover Chuck E. Cheese prize tickets.
6. KFC “Spicy” Popcorn Chicken. I’ve been petitioning KFC for years, but this year is going to be different because I’m starting one of those Internet campaigns. Use this letter as a template (modify if needed), mail and join the Revolution!

To: Colonel Sanders
C/o Customer Satisfaction
P.O. Box 725489
Atlanta, GA 31139
(Or online here. But unlike a letter, you can’t draw pictures on it.)


Dear Colonel (or current CEO of delicious chicken),

Everybody knows your greatest creation, Popcorn Chicken that comes in a little movie popcorn bucket, is the greatest invention known to modern man (after drive-thru's and the Internet.) But it can be better; you could offer Spicy Popcorn Chicken.

If you did this, I promise to eat it everyday. Even when the wife says “Hell no! We’re not going to EAT spicy popcorn chicken again for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and at the movie theater!” She’ll learn to love it - even if it takes 10 more years of marriage.

Sincerely,
Tony
“Creative-Type Dad” advocate of Spicy Popcorn Chicken
(Sign your own name here, but leave in “advocate of Spicy Popcorn Chicken” – very important.)

P.S. Please don’t let your employees take baths in the sinks anymore – thanks!



One day…the vision will be reality. I just know it.
What are you looking forward to in ’09?

Hello From L.A. Where Everything Is On Fire Except Chuck E Cheese’s

Today had promise. We were meeting two other 1-child couples (just like us) at this really great pumpkin patch that’s been family owned for, like, over 300 years.

This place has to be the ultimate pumpkin patch (Lombardi Ranch) this side of the Mississippi. They have tractor rides, pony rides, live music on 2 stages, ‘real’ farm animals, corn mazes, stagecoach rides, homemade organic-corn, and I think bands like “Huey Lewis and the News” kick off their world tour concerts from this place. Yes, it’s that big.
We’ve been talking about it for days and my daughter was looking forward to it like a Doodlebop was moving into the den. She woke up this morning singing “Pumpkin Patch! Pumpkin patch – hooray!”

Then came the winds. And then the fires – everywhere (this is my one big complaint about living in L.A. – whenever we get winds, everything catches fire!) Our drive over was immediately stopped because the police were evacuating the pumpkin patch. You could see this huge black ash cloud looming over the horizon.

Me: “Sorry, the Pumpkin Patch is on fire…”
Daughter: ((?!?!?))

Note to self – Never tell a toddler that anything is on fire. I guess it could have been worse; I was about to say the animals were on fire.

We met up with the other parents in a nearby parking lot and tried to figure out what to do with a bunch of disappointed kids.

Me: “I guess we can go to that Chuck E Cheese over there?”

Note to self – Never suggest Chuck E Cheese after the first crazy experience we had (read about that here.)

Chuck’s was packed! Obviously everybody else there was on the same boat. Later I wondered if maybe Chuck went out and started the fires himself to boost business (I wouldn’t put that past the rat!)
Overall the kids had fun running around, winning tickets, and jumping (dancing?) to an off-key animatronic rendition of Gloria Estefan's “Rhythm’s Gonna' Get You!” It played twice within 30 minutes (maybe that’s how they clear people out after eating…?)
The only unusual experience I had was running into this 3 or 4 year old girl wearing a t-shirt that said “Full Of Sh*T” on it. At first I thought my mind was playing tricks on me again. But no, it really said that. And from the look of her Mom (ganster? couldn’t have been older than 19 or 20) she was probably proud of her toddler wearing it.
I know these so-called kid attitude shirts are big (I find some entertaining myself) but come on – who buys a shirt like that for their toddler?

That's the kind of stuff that should catch fire (without the kid in it... or any animals.)

Kid Birthday Parties at Chuck E Cheese's: Sit Down! Shut Up! Eat and Leave!

Somewhere, sometime, maybe long ago, or just recently, Charles E Cheese became very angry at the world. I’m convinced of it based on our experience over the weekend.

We were invited to a birthday party at the local Chuck E Cheese's for our neighbors’ 4-year-old daughter. We haven’t been to “Chucks” in awhile and the place is definitely much different since I was a kid. It wasn’t the sticky carpet, cardboard pizza, or odd smells coming from the play area that bothered me - that's all expected. Nope, it was the assigned, angry, 18-year old Jo Polniaczek type hostess who was obviously forced by her parole officer to work there in the kids birthday party department. Why did I sense this? Because everything she did was with resentment, like she wanted to get back at the world for canceling G.L.O.W. in the eighties (I know that feeling all too well.)
Just after eating our half frozen pizza she had the kids line up near the front of the stage (where those scary looking animatronics are) and paced back and forth while yelling like Sergeant Slaughter:

Chucks Bodyguard: Chuck will be visiting! Please follow these rules or Chuck will remove himself from your party! Do I make myself clear?! (kneels down a little, staring at all the kids one by one..)

Kids: (scared) …yes…

Chucks Bodyguard: (pacing again) Rule #1 – Do NOT touch Chuck, unless he touches YOU first. Rule #2 – Do NOT approach Chuck, unless he approaches YOU first. Rule #3 Do NOT make any sudden moves around Chuck. Rule #4 Do NOT yell at Chuck…
...Am I making myself clear!?! ?! (kneels down again, staring at all the kids one by one..)

Kids: (scared) …yes…

Chucks Bodyguard: (turns around and yells at the pizza ordering counter) PRESS PLAY!!

The creepy animatronics started singing “Happy Birthday” totally off sync, twitching and jerking like a bunch of crack addicts, and then Chuck comes walking out inadvertently hitting the stage and walls along the way as if it was the dudes first day working the costume.
After the birthday song was over, the kids were standing there looking around in silence, next to Chuck, a little confused and frightened of him - trying not to make eye contact, possibly out of fear of getting beaten or deported. Chuck’s Bodyguard then ordered them to stand around him with their hands ‘firmly’ at their sides. She then pulled out a bag of tickets (the kind you win from those cheesy games) and started pelting them at the ground like chicken feed, or rocks, while yelling, “Pick them up! Pick them up!!!” All of the kids were on the ground trying to peel them off the sticky floor, some almost in tears. It was sad.
Afterwards, our daughter walks over and hands us a little handful of tickets (which were strangely soggy, wet, and smelled like cigarette smoke…) while the older kids followed, hoping she would drop them.

When the cheerful festivities were done, Chuck’s Bodyguard then yelled over at the birthday girl’s mom, “Do you want the bill now?!”.
I guess that’s her way of saying, “Chuck wants you all to leave.”