If Age Doesn’t Kill Me, This Will...

There’s just nothing that beats going into work and getting a surprise KFC lunch buffet birthday party by my co-workers.

And knowing the Kentucky Fried traditionalist that I am, none of this “grilled chicken” business was even on the table. Yes, these people know me well. Nothing but the Colonel's own invention's of extra-crispy, original, popcorn chicken (in little theater popcorn buckets), and a birthday candle planted in mash potatoes on top of a bucket of chicken - just the way they still celebrate birthdays in Kentucky and maybe central Ohio.
What more you say can a guy ask for?

How about the best birthday gift ever created:

KFC Double Down

2 original recipe fillets, swiss and pepper jack cheese, Colonel’s sauce , and (mouth-watering about now)…. Bacon!

I wouldn’t wait in line for an iPad, but I’m sure going to be waiting outside KFC Monday for this piece of heaven.
And then the rest of the year I'll be on a diet of just grapefruit, lettuce, and rocks just so I can eat another Double-Down next year.

Things to Look Forward to in 2009

There are things I’m going to miss about 2008: Joe the Plumber, 6-year old Chinese gymnast, bottled water not being cool anymore, etc.
And things that I won’t: financial crisis, potty training crisis, high gas prices crisis, Chuck E. Cheese’s crisis, Speed Racer movie crisis, Hadron Collider destroying the world - crisis.
I don’t know about you but I was a little nervous about that Collider, created by those mad European scientist sucking things into a black hole. Maybe next time around they could point it at Chuck E. Cheese so I don’t have to go to any more birthday parties there.

Nevertheless, here’s my list of things I’m looking forward to in ’09:

1. The demise of Bratz. After a huge court battle with Mattel Toys, MGA Entertainment (i.e. “The Pimps” of Bratz) is being forced to destroy the entire line, including the sushi strip bar. It still baffles me that some parents actually bought these thong wearing, drug addict looking, hookers for their daughters. And not just a few, but billions of dollars worth the past 8 years.
2. 10-year wedding anniversary. And to celebrate this April we’re going on a 15-day trip to Paris, France – where the wife and I met nearly 12 years ago. But this trip won’t be filled with white-tablecloth dinners, 12-hour visits to museums by day, and clubbing until 6am like the last time we were there because we’re taking our daughter. Paris with a 3-year old is definitely going to be different this time around. But after some research we’re finding out that there are lots of kid/family friendly things to do there. And I’m planning on blogging about the experience, possibly daily.
3. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Movie. This will probably be the only movie I see in a theater this year. Well maybe, Transformers 2, G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, and Up. And I’m sure my daughter will be all over Princess and the Frog, so maybe that one too.
4. My daughter’s 4th birthday. Come to think of it, maybe I’m not really looking forward to that one. She’s already growing up much too fast as it is. Her “Santa Wish List” this past Christmas consisted of make-up, lip-gloss, nail polish, hair/body glitter, a tattoo, a cell phone, and a chocolate bunny. Santa ended up bringing her a chocolate Santa and a Dollhouse.
5. A flying car. We're definitely overdue on this. And not only should it fly, it should be Mr. Fusion powered by banana peels, empty Jamba Juice cups, shredded up Bratz dolls, and leftover Chuck E. Cheese prize tickets.
6. KFC “Spicy” Popcorn Chicken. I’ve been petitioning KFC for years, but this year is going to be different because I’m starting one of those Internet campaigns. Use this letter as a template (modify if needed), mail and join the Revolution!

To: Colonel Sanders
C/o Customer Satisfaction
P.O. Box 725489
Atlanta, GA 31139
(Or online here. But unlike a letter, you can’t draw pictures on it.)


Dear Colonel (or current CEO of delicious chicken),

Everybody knows your greatest creation, Popcorn Chicken that comes in a little movie popcorn bucket, is the greatest invention known to modern man (after drive-thru's and the Internet.) But it can be better; you could offer Spicy Popcorn Chicken.

If you did this, I promise to eat it everyday. Even when the wife says “Hell no! We’re not going to EAT spicy popcorn chicken again for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and at the movie theater!” She’ll learn to love it - even if it takes 10 more years of marriage.

Sincerely,
Tony
“Creative-Type Dad” advocate of Spicy Popcorn Chicken
(Sign your own name here, but leave in “advocate of Spicy Popcorn Chicken” – very important.)

P.S. Please don’t let your employees take baths in the sinks anymore – thanks!



One day…the vision will be reality. I just know it.
What are you looking forward to in ’09?

Old School, Preschool, and Colonel Sanders

My daughter started preschool this morning and it did not go as I had envisioned...

She being nervous while packing lunch, difficulty getting dressed, walking her to the classroom with her hand clenching mine, huge puppy eyes and tears as I’m about to leave, screaming “Daddy! Daddy! Don’t leave me… I love you!!” as I walked away quickly, but maybe stopping a few times waving and whispering “I love you too, now go back to your classroom and learn the proper use of safety scissors...” as I backed into and disappeared in a fog with Obi-Wan Kenobi and Dean Martin patting me on the back assuring me that I am a good dad.

That's what I expected. In reality it went something like this:

Packing lunch – “No…I want to do it all BY MYSELF!”
Dressing - “No…I want to do it all BY MYSELF!”
In the car pulling up to the school “Drop me off…O.K…I see you later O.K!”

Uh no! I’m walking to your classroom and I BETTER SEE TEARS WHEN I LEAVE!!!!

I can just imagine what kindergarten is going to be like; she’ll probably end up telling me to drop her off down the street.

Happy Birthday To The Man That Invented Chicken in a Bucket!

And to think I almost forgot... thankfully some cool folks reminded me.

It’s hard to imagine, but prior to the birth of Harland David Sanders in 1890 nobody even thought about putting fried chicken in a bucket.

It wasn’t until his 3rd birthday on a farm in Henryville, Indiana while packing lunch for his first day preschool that he told his father, General Sanders, “Father General, I would like the pleasure of preparing my own meal for today’s schooling. Sir.”
When his father of little words nodded in agreement, young Harland instantly put 14 pieces of fried chicken with 11 herbs and spices in a red, white, and black cardboard bucket.

And then with his chicken bucket and Princess backpack in hand, his dad took young Sanders to school.

And he didn't even acknowledge his father as he walked away from his classroom - not even a wave.

And his father was so upset that he didn't want to eat fried chicken anymore. But then he got over it and went through the drive-thru anyways.

A Colonel of Your Very Own

When I was a kid, maybe around my daughter’s age or perhaps older, Kentucky Fried Chicken use to give away some pretty cool plastic hand puppets of Colonel Sanders.
McDonald's later caught on to the puppet fever and released their own plastic hand puppets of Grimace, Ronald, and I think that weird bird that couldn’t fly because she ate too many Fry Guys... I don't remember her name.
No matter, everybody knew those hand puppets weren’t nearly as cool as “The Colonel” - at least in my area of the world.

I use to play with my Colonel Sanders plastic hand puppet all the time. It use to battle with my Gobots (‘The Colonel’ would always win fights with his signature drumstick chop torpedo of doom), I would draw with it (I swear I could draw better with it on, maybe it was the magic of 11 herbs and spices), and sometimes it would be my only friend at 1am when my mom finally came home from work smelling like alcohol and cigarettes (“Colonel, why do mother and father fight so much…?”)

I miss that hand puppet(s)

I don't want to recreate the past, but I can recreate the Colonel. So I’ve created a "Colonel" Paper Craft updated for a new generation complete with his cane, signature white suit, and of course bucket of that finger lickin' good chicken (with 11 unknown magical herbs and spices from the planet Kentucky.)

This is what he looks like built...

...and here’s the Printable to make your very own:

(Click to download)

My daughter thinks he needs a friend so maybe I'll make a Lionel Richie one next...

Crazy People Searches And "I Pity Da' Fool Who Don't Eat Ma Fried Chicken!"

A big congratulations to the Kentucky Fried Chicken Contest winners!
It was a tough call, but just like the Highlander "in the end. there can only be one." Or in this case two.

Winner #1 was Beta Mom for her fancy writin' poem:

There once was a man from Kentucky Whose chickens were very un-lucky He made them all fatter Then fried them in batter Yessiree’ that Colonel was plucky.

And wiener #2 was Bennie from Ben & Bennie because his grandfather shot a hippie, in Kentucky, for taking his chicken wing while singing Kentucky's national anthem at The Colonel's original restaurant... in 1830 (or something like that...)

Thanks to those that particiapated and a big thanks to KFC for sending me the gift checks. As soon as I got them I ran over and tried the Popcorn chicken again (I actually have a new product suggestion/idea: Spicy Popcorn Chicken!...my mouth waters just thinking about that one. KFC could get the Spice Girl's to sing in the commercials "People of the world --Spice up your life.." all while dancing with a sunglass sportin' Colonel Sanders!)

Random And Bizarre Searches
That mighty powerful (and rich) Google sends some weird people my way. I occasionally like to share these searches with the public.

I crapped a pineapple - ouch!
see womans boobs at a football game - they're called "Cheerleaders"
ways to get daddy from stealing my candy - sorry kid, you'll get no sympathy from me
daddy eat as much candy as he wants - so what's the problem?
jo and blair were in love - I think Jo was in love with Blair. And Blair was in love with Mrs. Garrett
picture of gummy bear in a peaceful area - gummy bear heaven?
when did dad's start cutting the cord - when doctor's felt a need to be entertained
why do we have butt cracks - apparently to crap pineapples
how to acquire all magical powers and superhuman strength - get bitten by a spider or alien that has somehow escaped a government research laboratory. Or be a rich orphan with nothing else to do.

Colonel Sanders and Santa Claus Must Be Brothers. Or Just Angels Sent From Heaven

Today began like any other: woke up, showered, ate cold chicken out of a bucket for breakfast, got my daughter ready, sang ELO’s “Evil Woman” on the way to work -- pretty much how billions of other people’s day begins.
Except today day was different. Today I got a note from KFC (yes, “them”) complimenting me about my Colonel Sanders pumpkin and THEN sending “ME” KFC gift checks.

It may be November, but it sure feels a lot like Christmas morning.

(The remainder of this post will be in a southern accent to pay homage to Colonel Sanders, aka: the great originator of fried chicken in a bucket.)

Those who’ve been readin’ this here blog for a while know I’ve been the biggest fan of this here “Kentucky Fried Chicken” (later renamed “KFC” for the hearin’, and maybe readin’, impaired…) ever since I was a wee youngin’.
Maybe it’s because there’s somethin’ comfortin’ about fried chickin’, mashed potatoes, slaw, bisk-ets, after coming home from school, work, prison (ha, just pulling ya’ britches!)
Or maybe because I find it funny that a southern gent in a white suit, calls himself “the Colonel” and then sells fried chickin’ in a bucket. Hoot and hollerin’, side-splittin’ funny!
And the chicken ain’t bad either. Seriously, who doesn’t like deep-fried chicken? Only Satan himself. And maybe hippies. I just love the spicy kind they make -- which ironically isn’t available at all locations...(the Colonel makes me drive to Pasadena to get that special stuff. Making me risk ma’ life dodging ol’ people in their Lincoln intercontinental's and such…)

Around six moonshines ago, I wrote an open letter to the colonel (when they changed their chicken oil to non-trans fat) vowin’ I would never eat that there chickin’ again. That following week I was back again like a whiny drug-addict (sorry Waya and MetroDad…I just couldn’t get on that Popeye’s bandwagon… maybe if it came in a bucket and Mr. Popeye wore a white suit things would be different…)

CONTEST! WIN CHICKEN! (Come on, who doesn't like FREE chicken?)
And guess what the prize is? KFC chicken checks! (thanks to them colonels’ folks.) All you have to do is leave a comment with your email (so I know how to contact you if you win) and tell me a fact about Kentucky (or hippies!)

The fine print: Winners based on originality. Contest only open to US residents and maybe Canadians.
O.k., Canadians can play too (this time!!!) Sorry to my peeps in NZ, Australia, UK, and Ohio. Oh, and some weird people in Malaysia who are always searching my blog for “husbands drinking wife’s breastmilk” – those people aren't eligible for any contest (ever!)

Creative Pumpkin Carving Ideas and FREE Stencils That Will Impress The Neighbors

Pumpkin carving is one of my favorite things to do for Halloween ever since I was old enough to use a knife.

Last year my “pumpkin art” was an homage to a brilliant American entrepreneur, in a white suit, who brought the world the gift of fried chicken (with 11 herbs and spices) and dumped in a bucket (the common man’s way of eating food) to life once again.
This pumpkin brought joy and happiness to all who came to my house begging for candy.

I don’t know if I could ever top that again.

I haven’t decided what I’m going to carve this year, but I thought I would post some original stencils I’ve created for ALL TO USE (and one I’ve found online) while trying to figure it out.

The Pumpkin Stencil List (click and then download):

Colonel Sanders (cause' he does Chicken and Halloween right)

Chewbacca (he likes chewie candy)

Mud Flap Truck Girl (keep on trucking... for candy)

Fairy (that looks like exactly like Tinker Bell – but isn’t! It’s her sister Popcorn Chicken-Bell)

Ninja (the ninja will keep teenagers with no costumes away! I wish.)

For my daughters’ pumpkin:

Doodlebop -Dee-Dee (the less creepy of the three. Or not.)

Cinderella (this is a link)

In case you don’t know how to use a stencil instructions are here. I completely recommend using a Pumpkin Masters carving kit; you don’t need buy a fancy one just pick up the basic set. Most of the new tools are cheesy gimmicks and break easily anyway (big hint: you can find them at dollar stores now…)

Am I the only one who likes the tradition of carving pumpkins? Or are you like most people that buys a pumpkin and then forgets to carve it?

An Open Letter To The Great Creator Of Chicken In A Bucket - Colonel Sanders

Dear Colonel,

We both may have lived in entirely different generations, but we both share great love of a time among southern accents, white suits, an original recipe of 11 unknown herbs and spices, and above all - the perfection of deep frying in a sweet treat of pure American fat.

Today, for the first time ever, I tried your organizations “new” non-trans fat chicken. To be more specific --Popcorn Chicken (by the way, I love the mini popcorn bucket concept you came up with) and let me just say it doesn't still have that great taste I've grown to love. Actually it taste like nothing. Yes sir, like nothing. In fact, Tofurky carries more flavoring (although I've never actually tried that horrid stuff.)
It may look like chicken and come in a package with your image on it - but it sure doesn’t taste like anything you would have ever approved of.

While eating this blasphemy, I reflected on so many happy moments with your chicken throughout my life. As a small child, my mother coming home late from work smelling like alcohol -- but stopping for a bucket along the way would make things feel better (“Sorry kids, I got another flat tire again…”). Grandma telling me my father was in a car accident – but a stop to the local KFC on the way to the hospital to sneak dad a chicken wing would cheer us all up (“feed it to me son....I can’t move my hands right now...”) In my school-age years, being the new kid on campus (again) bringing a bucket to the 'cool kids’ house for a pool party would instantly produce new friends (“hey chicken guy! Yeah you- you’re totally awesome!”) As a teenager, getting my acceptance letter into art school and celebrating down at the local KFC with the neighborhood goth kids, yelling and jumping on the chairs (“DM 101 Rocks! And so does this chicken!”)
So many memories and now it comes to an end.

When I was done (no finger-lickin' this time) for a moment I saw your image on the box cry. Yes, cry - with tears of blood (or spilled BBQ sauce.)

Just like that “new” Coke experiment, I hope your corporate management sees the error of their ways and brings back the original (maybe you need to haunt the headquarters to shake things up a bit – be sure to use a deep moaning voice and fireworks.)

But until that day comes, I’m going to Popeyes and making new memories.

Your biggest fan,
-Tony