A Colonel of Your Very Own

When I was a kid, maybe around my daughter’s age or perhaps older, Kentucky Fried Chicken use to give away some pretty cool plastic hand puppets of Colonel Sanders.
McDonald's later caught on to the puppet fever and released their own plastic hand puppets of Grimace, Ronald, and I think that weird bird that couldn’t fly because she ate too many Fry Guys... I don't remember her name.
No matter, everybody knew those hand puppets weren’t nearly as cool as “The Colonel” - at least in my area of the world.

I use to play with my Colonel Sanders plastic hand puppet all the time. It use to battle with my Gobots (‘The Colonel’ would always win fights with his signature drumstick chop torpedo of doom), I would draw with it (I swear I could draw better with it on, maybe it was the magic of 11 herbs and spices), and sometimes it would be my only friend at 1am when my mom finally came home from work smelling like alcohol and cigarettes (“Colonel, why do mother and father fight so much…?”)

I miss that hand puppet(s)

I don't want to recreate the past, but I can recreate the Colonel. So I’ve created a "Colonel" Paper Craft updated for a new generation complete with his cane, signature white suit, and of course bucket of that finger lickin' good chicken (with 11 unknown magical herbs and spices from the planet Kentucky.)

This is what he looks like built...

...and here’s the Printable to make your very own:

(Click to download)

My daughter thinks he needs a friend so maybe I'll make a Lionel Richie one next...

Happy Birthday to… Me! When Did I Get So Old?

I’m another year older, and the sad part is that my wife had to remind me of my exact age because whenever someone asks I always say 21.
Actually I think I’ve been saying that line since I was 17.

Anyhow, Birthdays around my house don’t last for just one day, they last the entire weekend.
This year, without a doubt, had to be one of the best I’ve had in a really long time thanks to my wife, friends, and family. It all started on Friday with co-workers bringing in fancy cupcakes, balloons, and some completely unexpected gifts including some custom printed Lionel Richie cocktail napkins from a design that I had fashioned as a joke awhile back and hung on my office wall:

“tonight, we gonna’ have a party”

These are definitely going to be a staple at every party I have from now on, along with of course, a bucket of KFC.

Then Saturday a few close friends made an amazing Greek dinner spread complete with a homemade Reese’s peanut butter cup ice cream cake. And if that wasn’t enough check out a small sampling of the gifts:

Gary Coleman (Arnold) Toddler Shirt

For my daughter to wear. I swear she does this “whatchoutalkin’bout willis” stance nearly every time she gets in trouble.

Colonel Sanders’ Tijuana Picnic - LP

((speechless))
Can I just say how awesome my friends are? I’ll be sharing more of this swingin’ album soon.

Sunday (actual birthday) we made a trip to Disneyland with some family including my brother and his kids, all of whom I haven’t seen in well over a year. That place wore me out; I swear they need to open a ‘sleep ride’ somewhere in there for parents (and old people) like me can just take a snooze.
And it didn’t end there; today I took the day off of work to spend with my daughter - a tradition I’ve started ever since she’s been around. And the best part, I got to take a 2-hour nap while she was taking hers… pure heaven.

Seriously, I wish I could nap everyday. Then I could be dreaming of those swingin' KFC picnics in Tijuana, with the Colonel lounging by a nearby tree. And then when I wipe my mouth with Lionel Richie napkins I could tell him "Look Colonel, Lionel's got some chicken crumbs stuck in his mustache!"
Then we'd laugh and eat some more popcorn chicken.

Crazy People Searches And "I Pity Da' Fool Who Don't Eat Ma Fried Chicken!"

A big congratulations to the Kentucky Fried Chicken Contest winners!
It was a tough call, but just like the Highlander "in the end. there can only be one." Or in this case two.

Winner #1 was Beta Mom for her fancy writin' poem:

There once was a man from Kentucky Whose chickens were very un-lucky He made them all fatter Then fried them in batter Yessiree’ that Colonel was plucky.

And wiener #2 was Bennie from Ben & Bennie because his grandfather shot a hippie, in Kentucky, for taking his chicken wing while singing Kentucky's national anthem at The Colonel's original restaurant... in 1830 (or something like that...)

Thanks to those that particiapated and a big thanks to KFC for sending me the gift checks. As soon as I got them I ran over and tried the Popcorn chicken again (I actually have a new product suggestion/idea: Spicy Popcorn Chicken!...my mouth waters just thinking about that one. KFC could get the Spice Girl's to sing in the commercials "People of the world --Spice up your life.." all while dancing with a sunglass sportin' Colonel Sanders!)

Random And Bizarre Searches
That mighty powerful (and rich) Google sends some weird people my way. I occasionally like to share these searches with the public.

I crapped a pineapple - ouch!
see womans boobs at a football game - they're called "Cheerleaders"
ways to get daddy from stealing my candy - sorry kid, you'll get no sympathy from me
daddy eat as much candy as he wants - so what's the problem?
jo and blair were in love - I think Jo was in love with Blair. And Blair was in love with Mrs. Garrett
picture of gummy bear in a peaceful area - gummy bear heaven?
when did dad's start cutting the cord - when doctor's felt a need to be entertained
why do we have butt cracks - apparently to crap pineapples
how to acquire all magical powers and superhuman strength - get bitten by a spider or alien that has somehow escaped a government research laboratory. Or be a rich orphan with nothing else to do.

Colonel Sanders and Santa Claus Must Be Brothers. Or Just Angels Sent From Heaven

Today began like any other: woke up, showered, ate cold chicken out of a bucket for breakfast, got my daughter ready, sang ELO’s “Evil Woman” on the way to work -- pretty much how billions of other people’s day begins.
Except today day was different. Today I got a note from KFC (yes, “them”) complimenting me about my Colonel Sanders pumpkin and THEN sending “ME” KFC gift checks.

It may be November, but it sure feels a lot like Christmas morning.

(The remainder of this post will be in a southern accent to pay homage to Colonel Sanders, aka: the great originator of fried chicken in a bucket.)

Those who’ve been readin’ this here blog for a while know I’ve been the biggest fan of this here “Kentucky Fried Chicken” (later renamed “KFC” for the hearin’, and maybe readin’, impaired…) ever since I was a wee youngin’.
Maybe it’s because there’s somethin’ comfortin’ about fried chickin’, mashed potatoes, slaw, bisk-ets, after coming home from school, work, prison (ha, just pulling ya’ britches!)
Or maybe because I find it funny that a southern gent in a white suit, calls himself “the Colonel” and then sells fried chickin’ in a bucket. Hoot and hollerin’, side-splittin’ funny!
And the chicken ain’t bad either. Seriously, who doesn’t like deep-fried chicken? Only Satan himself. And maybe hippies. I just love the spicy kind they make -- which ironically isn’t available at all locations...(the Colonel makes me drive to Pasadena to get that special stuff. Making me risk ma’ life dodging ol’ people in their Lincoln intercontinental's and such…)

Around six moonshines ago, I wrote an open letter to the colonel (when they changed their chicken oil to non-trans fat) vowin’ I would never eat that there chickin’ again. That following week I was back again like a whiny drug-addict (sorry Waya and MetroDad…I just couldn’t get on that Popeye’s bandwagon… maybe if it came in a bucket and Mr. Popeye wore a white suit things would be different…)

CONTEST! WIN CHICKEN! (Come on, who doesn't like FREE chicken?)
And guess what the prize is? KFC chicken checks! (thanks to them colonels’ folks.) All you have to do is leave a comment with your email (so I know how to contact you if you win) and tell me a fact about Kentucky (or hippies!)

The fine print: Winners based on originality. Contest only open to US residents and maybe Canadians.
O.k., Canadians can play too (this time!!!) Sorry to my peeps in NZ, Australia, UK, and Ohio. Oh, and some weird people in Malaysia who are always searching my blog for “husbands drinking wife’s breastmilk” – those people aren't eligible for any contest (ever!)